So, haven't blogged in a bit and decided it was time to put a few things down before I go nuts ... lol ... thoughts running through my mind are sometimes much better understood in print ~ even for me that thinks the thoughts. It is Tuesday ~ Lord, help me make it to Friday.
I decided this morning that I am upset with a few things in my life, but at the moment, one of the biggest upsets comes to me in the form of being a friend ~ truly caring about the feelings of the person you are supposed to really want in your life. Days run together, minutes fly by and the more hectic it gets, the more it seems I long for some sense of security and normalcy. Chad says that I am not social enough, but then when days like today hit, I think maybe it is best for me that I am not. I am so frustrated ~ hurt, upset, tired ~ whatever ~ just thinking that at some point maybe I need to live by the advice that I heard from Dr. Phil years ago ~ "You teach people how to treat you". Oh yeah, I could quote the infamous "How's that working for ya?" but we all know that one. I believe 100% that we do teach others how to treat us, so why do I settle for something that I wouldn't give to anyone else? And here is where reality kicks me in the butt and I wonder if it is me or what ~ why do we always treat the ones we are supposed to care about worse than anyone else? That saying is so true ~ so true but so hurtful at times. I won't continue on this topic ~ I need to quit typing as the more I type the more upset I seem to get. For this thought, it seems that looking at it in print makes me realize even more that it isn't ok to allow someone to treat me a certain way just because that is how they are. I mean, really, we could all condition others to allow us to treat them like this or that on a certain day with our varying moods, BUT, that really isn't the nice thing to do, now is it? Or is it? Nope, it isn't ~ and in each of our hearts, if we aren't pulled a little when we are "acting ugly" to those we care about, we should be.
Connor's autism is not a friend today ~ not a friend and I am ready for it to let go of my son, even if just for a little while. We have good days, bad days, so so days ~ today is not a good day. He is throwing fits and really only interacting very well with Riley ~ doesn't want to be touched, sitting back in a corner hoarding his cars, very unattached to anything besides these things that others just really can't understand. Before someone busts out with the typical comment, let me answer for you now, no, I can't snap him out of it ~ autism doesn't work that way. So, like I have learned on these bad days, I will do my best to care for him at a distance and tuck the tears away for another time, or at least when no one else is watching. I read an article the other day about a mother who had an autistic child who never wanted to be touched ~ the touch that would comfort you or I set this child into a fit that would last for hours ~ sometimes the entire day or days. Chad and I are very blessed ~ Connor typically likes and reciprocates touch very well, just not today. I think that is why days like today suck ~ yep, I said suck ~ because when you want to hold him and help make it go away, you visibly see, and feel, the tugging and pulling away like crazy, that holding him just makes it worse. This mother said that one day, 3 years ago, the son came up to his mom, visibly uncomfortable, looked in her eyes, leaned against her tightly and told her "I love you" before pulling away and running to his bedroom. She says in the article that she had waited 5 years for that I love you, and would pray that another one comes before another five years pass. Can you imagine? I mean, really, think about that, can you imagine? I read that and realize that really we are blessed ~ just today is not good and deal with and look forward to tomorrow or the next day or whenever.
So, I think I will end this on this note ~ it keeps going through my head (just like everything else) and I thought I should share. A friend I have met recently is no longer working and staying home to take care of her elderly mother who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. We were chatting the other day and somehow the entire "bootstrap" theory came up. You know the saying ~ pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go on. In other words, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. She said to me ~ Honey, once you have children and a marriage and a life in the real world, those boot straps were cut a long time ago. Me, who can talk someone under the table and back up again, was quiet and just thought and listened. Each day I feel a little different about her comment, but the fact that I keep coming back to it, makes me realize that it somehow applies to both me and my life. And again, it reminds me of my first paragraph about being a true person, true spirit ~ a selfless friend who has time for you and remembers that we all need that sometimes. I said this before, but will say it again ... it is so harder to be still and listen than to talk. Sometimes our talking hurts those who really need us to listen ~ and if you need that ear to listen ~ being pushed aside each time you reach out hurts more than anything. Screw the bootstraps ~ I think maybe I need a weekend like the Blake Shelton song ~ It's All About Tonight. A red Gatorade and feel good pills won't make things better forever, but maybe just long enough for me to figure out where to put those dreaded cut off bootstraps.
Take care, y'all ~ and if you read all the way to the bottom of my rambling ~ Thank you.
