How Do I "Let It Go"?

 

Yes, I will start and acknowledge I haven't blogged in forever.  Not on this blog, actually.  But, here we go anyway .... lol.

 

 

Riley is obsessed with Disney's Frozen, like most little girls her age, I suppose.  I think I hear the "Let It Go" Frozen Anthem about 264 times a day.  Lately, the song has been stuck in my head and it just won't go away.  How do I let it go?  How do you let anything go when your heart hurts and you cling to the hurt because it is absolutely all you have?  I'm supposed to keep everything a secret, don't talk about anything or let anyone know, and I just can't.  It isn't me ~ it never has been and maybe that is why it hurts so much.  If you can't be loved for who you really are, not who people want you to be, then what does that mean?

 

I thought moving to Charleston was going to be the gift of a lifetime.  I thought returning "home" would be all I ever wanted and then some.  That hasn't really been the case.  Moving "home" has been a challenge that has brought out hurts I didn't know existed.  It has made me realize that I am not allowed to be me.  Being me makes others unhappy and that isn't ok.  Being me is not ok.  It just isn't.  Being me is a hurt that I hold to my chest daily.  It is a fight I don't know if I can keep fighting.  I guess I can keep fighting, but the end result will always be the same.  Being Kelli is not ok.

 

I question where to go, what to do, what to say, who to be.  Even as I type this I have to be careful of what I say, and not let everything truly out.  It is eating me up inside.  I'm so tired of hurting.  I'm ready for happy, but where is it?  I cling to my children for the happy in life.  They are a joy beyond joys and the shining light behind all the secretly closed doors.  My 3 children are my happiness.  They are my reason to believe that there is still good somewhere in this world.

 

So, I end this probably being more confused than when I started.  I will never raise my children to believe that I am not here for them.  I will teach them that family means something.  Family doesn't mean hurting someone because they aren't who you want them to be.  Family means loving someone completely.  It means there is nothing that makes us not family.  It means that we hold on, no matter what.  Family means love, even if the only place you really feel like you can find it is in the four walls of wherever we call home.  Family means it is always ok to be you, because I love you more than you will ever realize or be able to know.  You always do you ~ it is what we as human beings should always be allowed to be and do.  Being who we really are should be loved because that is family.  Anything else is hurt and it doesn't belong.

 

I will keep searching and seeking to "Let It Go".  If I listened to the song, "the cold never bothered me anyway."  Guess what ... the cold bothers the mess out of me, yet I still cling to it, because it is really all I have to hang onto that part of my life that I have never been able to understand why I didn't belong.  If belonging means I have to let go of me, then is that what I should want to show my children, anyway?

 

Be love ~ give love ~ be you ~ love is what we truly are, even if others choose to turn their back and not see.  Connor, Riley and Sierra ~ I will never Let It Go when it comes to you.  I love you big as the sky, always.