Maybe I Should Use Free Blogging Instead of Paying For Therapy ??

 

 

About to head out and pick the monsters up from school today.  Hoping Connor and Riley had a good day.  She informed him this morning he had to be good or Santa was watching him.  When he asked where, she said "I Don't Know ... Ask Mom."

 

Sierra has her Christmas Choral Concert tonight and an awesome and amazing friend of mine is watching the twins so I can attend.  Thanks so much, Michelle ~ you are the absolute best and one of the most amazing things Manhattan holds here for me.  Expecting 2 kindegarteners to stay quiet for an hour or so concert is difficult.  I am going to feed them before taking them to her, but I am sure they will beg for food like little Bassett Hounds before the time is over.  Nothing at home is ever as good as something to eat at someone else's home.

 

Finally finished our Christmas lights outside, complete with porch, fence, angel and feeding reindeer.  Supposed to snow here tomorrow or over tomorrow evening, so even though it should have happened weeks ago, it definitely had to happen now.  One of those nice cold hands, snot dripping on the ground from your nose Christmas lights experience.  The things we do for our babies.

 

Ending for now ... 2 blogs in a day.  I really need a friend, or two, or ten.  Maybe I need a husband to come home.  Maybe I need a life.  Whatever ... it will work out :).

 

Love y'all,

 

Kelli

Grieving, Christmas, Jesus & Heaven

 

It's Monday ... that should probably say enough.  So much has been going on here with the Newberry/Perkins Clan, I could never find a way to type it all.  I am currently holding on line for CafePress.Com .... I ordered $100 worth of autism awareness shirts (Xmas gifts for Chad to give myself and the kids),upon which part of the purchase goes to charity, and when I finally opened the shirts today Sierra's has a smudge and Riley's is faded on the autistic symbol.  Makes me mad, but waiting on hold for 4 thousand hours is making me madder.  Customer service is an art form that left us long ago ... I am learning that more and more every day this week it seems.  Either I will get my money back and keep the shirts, or get new shirts and keep the ones I am not happy with.  Mess with me enough and eventually I will win.  Sorry, Mom, not very lady like, but lady like doesn't always do the job these days, it seems.

 

 

 

 

Doesn't even need to be said, but the shooting in Newton, CT has really shaken me up, much like others in the world.  I am hugging my babies tighter, hanging onto the hugs for longer, and holding them and brushing their hair back behind their ears for just a bit more than they probably want. 

I had to talk to them (Connor & Riley) about the tragedy this weekend, as I didn't want them to hear it on the playground, much like Sierra did hear about 9/11 in kindergarten from some child who knew gorey graphic details she never should have heard.  I told them that some children were hurt very badly when a bad man came into their school.  This is why, I said, that it is very important for them to follow all directions when the school does a lockdown (drill) or any other sort of preparedness activity.  Riley said this morning while eating breakfast that maybe they were eating biscuits at McDonald's and playing Tball with my dad (Mike Newberry) in heaven.  Maybe so ... Connor is pretty upset, mainly because heaven is not something he can associate to with his autism, but, Riley seems to have her own version of heaven.  Of course Jesus and the Virgin Mary are there, but, so are the Golden Arches, DisneyWorld, Pizza Hut, My Daddy (Her Late Granddaddy) and recess all day with the most awesome playground equipment ever.   My heart swells at her interpretation .... through the eyes of a child and out of the mouths of babes.

 

Chad comes home for Xmas on Thursday, the 20th.  The kids are so excited it is like Elvis is coming home to film Blue Hawaii.  We are all happy he is coming ... not the same without him here in our life daily.  FaceTime and the IPhone are great .... just not the same.  I told him I might let him sleep in our room, although, Riley has taken over his bed privileges.  Who knows .. I might end up a la couch so that the young'uns can sleep with Daddy.  You just never know.

 

Will end for now, but need to get something out.  I have heard on the news for the last days that the mentally disturbed man that shot the children and faculty in Newton was autistic and had Aspergers.  For those that don't know ... Aspergers is considered a higher functioning form of autism.  Mainly portrayed as those that are highly intelligent but not so fond of relationships and touch.  I need to get this out of my heart and on this screen .... this young man did not shoot and harm others because he was autistic.  He did what he did because he was mentally disturbed and that is a whole other can of worms.  Something needs to be done ... I don't know if that is gun control, screening or better mental wellness availability.  My "liberal" ideals are not always favored, but at this point, it isn't about being "liberal".  At this point it is about reality and when the next copycat does this again.  Pray for our schools, pray for our teachers and students, pray for school faculty, pray for the families of all the lost, and even that of the disturbed gunman.  We just never know .. only God does and unless we learn to let him back in there isn't much he can do.

 

 

Presents to wrap tomorrow ... teachers gifts to start getting ready and somehow I have to find time with a nice glass of "Kelli's Special (lol) Apple Cider" and watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.  My most favorite Christmas movie and I haven't wanted to watch it unless I can watch it in all its glory without tons of interruptions.  Not sure when that day will come, but I will make it happen in the next several days.

 

I love you all .... more than you know.  Life is short ... kiss your babies, hug your friends, say a prayer and embrace life for all the goodness you can find.

 

Until next time ....

 

Much love and goodness,

 

Kelli

 

   



Sanity ~What Does That Exactly Mean?

 

 

So, today I am sitting down because I need to blog.  I would journal, but I feel like no one hears, and maybe nobody reads this blog, but it relieves so much off my heart to pour out my heart on this computer screen.

 

My life is so chaotic right now ~ it feels like it is out of control and I am spinning and spinning trying to grab a hold of something to keep my head and heart in order.

 

Chad has been gone since early/mid October now.  Since his leaving, more has happened to us than I ever expected.  As most know, our son Connor is autistic.  Let me explain .... this doesn't mean he is slow, this doesn't mean he asked for this, this doesn't mean that somehow we did something wrong to cause this to happen.  This means that Connor was born with a disability, and the disability is coming full circle right before me, right now, with Chad gone.  I thought I was a strong person, and parts of me believe that I am, but right now I don't know if I am strong enough for all this.  Being a single mom of one child was tough ... even though I am married, playing single mom while Chad is gone to three kids, one a teenager, one that is autistic, and one that is trying to find her way in the middle of all this nutso chaos is making me question everything about me and my parenting abilities.  I am praying, each and every day, and even making an appointment to go in and see Father Don from our Catholic Parish to speak and pray with him.  I do believe that prayer between two or more is powerful.  Not that prayer for one is not, but God says when two or more agree in prayer, I will be there.

 

Facebook seems to have become some sort of an issue for me.  I post things that seem pertinent to me and friends of my age understand, call, check on me, relate and comment.  Others just wonder when my mind will come back.  If I post something, it is not directed at you or how I was brought up or anything.  I don't say that being ugly ... I say it because there is no other way to put it out there.  Read it, don't, it doesn't matter.  It is soothing and helps me to speak when I feel so alone here in this place in the middle of the country.  Peaches and cream aren't reality .... cherries have pits sometimes and I know how to deal with them.  Might take me a little time to work through them, but I have before and I will continue to do so.  I am learning that the most important part of me is to be a good mother to my babies.  Losing my sanity and getting caught up in what others think and surrounding myself with those that can't understand me and my heart are not needed.  Love me ~ or don't .... but if you don't, do me a favor and back away.  The haters will always hate ... I just don't want it anymore.  

 

I send much love to all of you .... even if nobody has read this.  I needed to get it out and feel better now that I have typed out my feelings for me to see.  I love you and this is not a negative post.  This is a real post .... please don't hate me for that.  

 

Much love for always,

 

Kelli