Sanity ~What Does That Exactly Mean?

 

 

So, today I am sitting down because I need to blog.  I would journal, but I feel like no one hears, and maybe nobody reads this blog, but it relieves so much off my heart to pour out my heart on this computer screen.

 

My life is so chaotic right now ~ it feels like it is out of control and I am spinning and spinning trying to grab a hold of something to keep my head and heart in order.

 

Chad has been gone since early/mid October now.  Since his leaving, more has happened to us than I ever expected.  As most know, our son Connor is autistic.  Let me explain .... this doesn't mean he is slow, this doesn't mean he asked for this, this doesn't mean that somehow we did something wrong to cause this to happen.  This means that Connor was born with a disability, and the disability is coming full circle right before me, right now, with Chad gone.  I thought I was a strong person, and parts of me believe that I am, but right now I don't know if I am strong enough for all this.  Being a single mom of one child was tough ... even though I am married, playing single mom while Chad is gone to three kids, one a teenager, one that is autistic, and one that is trying to find her way in the middle of all this nutso chaos is making me question everything about me and my parenting abilities.  I am praying, each and every day, and even making an appointment to go in and see Father Don from our Catholic Parish to speak and pray with him.  I do believe that prayer between two or more is powerful.  Not that prayer for one is not, but God says when two or more agree in prayer, I will be there.

 

Facebook seems to have become some sort of an issue for me.  I post things that seem pertinent to me and friends of my age understand, call, check on me, relate and comment.  Others just wonder when my mind will come back.  If I post something, it is not directed at you or how I was brought up or anything.  I don't say that being ugly ... I say it because there is no other way to put it out there.  Read it, don't, it doesn't matter.  It is soothing and helps me to speak when I feel so alone here in this place in the middle of the country.  Peaches and cream aren't reality .... cherries have pits sometimes and I know how to deal with them.  Might take me a little time to work through them, but I have before and I will continue to do so.  I am learning that the most important part of me is to be a good mother to my babies.  Losing my sanity and getting caught up in what others think and surrounding myself with those that can't understand me and my heart are not needed.  Love me ~ or don't .... but if you don't, do me a favor and back away.  The haters will always hate ... I just don't want it anymore.  

 

I send much love to all of you .... even if nobody has read this.  I needed to get it out and feel better now that I have typed out my feelings for me to see.  I love you and this is not a negative post.  This is a real post .... please don't hate me for that.  

 

Much love for always,

 

Kelli