When Is Enough Enough?  How Long Until You Lose It?

 

So, today I have had it.  I have had it with me, the kids, the house not selling, the separation of my family, my husband being 1 million miles away, 1 dog, 2 cats and 4 hours at Chuck E Cheese.  Oh, and let's not forget a realtor's Open House that brought in 1 couple who aren't even looking to buy right now.  Give me a fricking Xanex and lets call it a day.  Does that about sum it up?

 

I am tired of always trying to do the proper thing.  Do this, Kelli, because you know it is the right thing to do.  Say this, Kelli, because you know it is the right thing to say.  Act like this, Kelli, because nice women act like that.  All these standards that I have set for myself that nobody else seems to give 2 craps about.  A certain someone thinks I am over the top about being nice .... whatever.  Maybe this person has no idea what being nice truly means, and it doesn't mean hurting another over a nice act they choose to perform.  My mind and heart say be the bigger person.  My heart says I am tired.  I am so, so, so, tired.

 

I know there are so many more out there that have real problems and mine aren't even a drop in the bucket.  I know this.  I guess I am being selfish and wallowing in my own pity, but I don't care at this point.  My feelings have been hurt and I am tired of sucking it up like a big girl and making it ok.  If the ever so ominpotent "Dr. Phil" is right, then we teach people how to treat us.  How have I taught people to treat me?  Rude and uncaring?  Like a dishrag to be wrang out at their whim, my feelings never coming into play?  Or here is a good one .... some one would say .... grow up.  You grow up ... I am too busy raising my children, one of which is autistic and a handful just in himself.  I love my babies, but nobody ever said being a parent was for the weak.

 

I am getting more mad by typing this so I need to destress somehow.  I think there might be a Bud Light Platinum in there calling my name.

 

The bottom line is this .... I am not the cause of all your problems.  I don't appreciate being treated like a child at the ripe old age of 37.  I haven't taken from you, hurt you, tried to keep you out of the loop, or tried to dishearten you in any way.  If someone is in my life is in it, it is because I love he/she.  It is because you mean something to me.  So quit being a jerk ~ it only hurts me and does nothing for any of us in the end.  And if it does do something for you in the end, we have much bigger fish to fry at the end of the day.  Screw the hushpuppies, let's get right on to deboning the catfish.

 

Sorry for being rude all.  Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

 

Love,

 

Kelli

Maybe I Should Use Free Blogging Instead of Paying For Therapy ??

 

 

About to head out and pick the monsters up from school today.  Hoping Connor and Riley had a good day.  She informed him this morning he had to be good or Santa was watching him.  When he asked where, she said "I Don't Know ... Ask Mom."

 

Sierra has her Christmas Choral Concert tonight and an awesome and amazing friend of mine is watching the twins so I can attend.  Thanks so much, Michelle ~ you are the absolute best and one of the most amazing things Manhattan holds here for me.  Expecting 2 kindegarteners to stay quiet for an hour or so concert is difficult.  I am going to feed them before taking them to her, but I am sure they will beg for food like little Bassett Hounds before the time is over.  Nothing at home is ever as good as something to eat at someone else's home.

 

Finally finished our Christmas lights outside, complete with porch, fence, angel and feeding reindeer.  Supposed to snow here tomorrow or over tomorrow evening, so even though it should have happened weeks ago, it definitely had to happen now.  One of those nice cold hands, snot dripping on the ground from your nose Christmas lights experience.  The things we do for our babies.

 

Ending for now ... 2 blogs in a day.  I really need a friend, or two, or ten.  Maybe I need a husband to come home.  Maybe I need a life.  Whatever ... it will work out :).

 

Love y'all,

 

Kelli

Grieving, Christmas, Jesus & Heaven

 

It's Monday ... that should probably say enough.  So much has been going on here with the Newberry/Perkins Clan, I could never find a way to type it all.  I am currently holding on line for CafePress.Com .... I ordered $100 worth of autism awareness shirts (Xmas gifts for Chad to give myself and the kids),upon which part of the purchase goes to charity, and when I finally opened the shirts today Sierra's has a smudge and Riley's is faded on the autistic symbol.  Makes me mad, but waiting on hold for 4 thousand hours is making me madder.  Customer service is an art form that left us long ago ... I am learning that more and more every day this week it seems.  Either I will get my money back and keep the shirts, or get new shirts and keep the ones I am not happy with.  Mess with me enough and eventually I will win.  Sorry, Mom, not very lady like, but lady like doesn't always do the job these days, it seems.

 

 

 

 

Doesn't even need to be said, but the shooting in Newton, CT has really shaken me up, much like others in the world.  I am hugging my babies tighter, hanging onto the hugs for longer, and holding them and brushing their hair back behind their ears for just a bit more than they probably want. 

I had to talk to them (Connor & Riley) about the tragedy this weekend, as I didn't want them to hear it on the playground, much like Sierra did hear about 9/11 in kindergarten from some child who knew gorey graphic details she never should have heard.  I told them that some children were hurt very badly when a bad man came into their school.  This is why, I said, that it is very important for them to follow all directions when the school does a lockdown (drill) or any other sort of preparedness activity.  Riley said this morning while eating breakfast that maybe they were eating biscuits at McDonald's and playing Tball with my dad (Mike Newberry) in heaven.  Maybe so ... Connor is pretty upset, mainly because heaven is not something he can associate to with his autism, but, Riley seems to have her own version of heaven.  Of course Jesus and the Virgin Mary are there, but, so are the Golden Arches, DisneyWorld, Pizza Hut, My Daddy (Her Late Granddaddy) and recess all day with the most awesome playground equipment ever.   My heart swells at her interpretation .... through the eyes of a child and out of the mouths of babes.

 

Chad comes home for Xmas on Thursday, the 20th.  The kids are so excited it is like Elvis is coming home to film Blue Hawaii.  We are all happy he is coming ... not the same without him here in our life daily.  FaceTime and the IPhone are great .... just not the same.  I told him I might let him sleep in our room, although, Riley has taken over his bed privileges.  Who knows .. I might end up a la couch so that the young'uns can sleep with Daddy.  You just never know.

 

Will end for now, but need to get something out.  I have heard on the news for the last days that the mentally disturbed man that shot the children and faculty in Newton was autistic and had Aspergers.  For those that don't know ... Aspergers is considered a higher functioning form of autism.  Mainly portrayed as those that are highly intelligent but not so fond of relationships and touch.  I need to get this out of my heart and on this screen .... this young man did not shoot and harm others because he was autistic.  He did what he did because he was mentally disturbed and that is a whole other can of worms.  Something needs to be done ... I don't know if that is gun control, screening or better mental wellness availability.  My "liberal" ideals are not always favored, but at this point, it isn't about being "liberal".  At this point it is about reality and when the next copycat does this again.  Pray for our schools, pray for our teachers and students, pray for school faculty, pray for the families of all the lost, and even that of the disturbed gunman.  We just never know .. only God does and unless we learn to let him back in there isn't much he can do.

 

 

Presents to wrap tomorrow ... teachers gifts to start getting ready and somehow I have to find time with a nice glass of "Kelli's Special (lol) Apple Cider" and watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.  My most favorite Christmas movie and I haven't wanted to watch it unless I can watch it in all its glory without tons of interruptions.  Not sure when that day will come, but I will make it happen in the next several days.

 

I love you all .... more than you know.  Life is short ... kiss your babies, hug your friends, say a prayer and embrace life for all the goodness you can find.

 

Until next time ....

 

Much love and goodness,

 

Kelli

 

   



Sanity ~What Does That Exactly Mean?

 

 

So, today I am sitting down because I need to blog.  I would journal, but I feel like no one hears, and maybe nobody reads this blog, but it relieves so much off my heart to pour out my heart on this computer screen.

 

My life is so chaotic right now ~ it feels like it is out of control and I am spinning and spinning trying to grab a hold of something to keep my head and heart in order.

 

Chad has been gone since early/mid October now.  Since his leaving, more has happened to us than I ever expected.  As most know, our son Connor is autistic.  Let me explain .... this doesn't mean he is slow, this doesn't mean he asked for this, this doesn't mean that somehow we did something wrong to cause this to happen.  This means that Connor was born with a disability, and the disability is coming full circle right before me, right now, with Chad gone.  I thought I was a strong person, and parts of me believe that I am, but right now I don't know if I am strong enough for all this.  Being a single mom of one child was tough ... even though I am married, playing single mom while Chad is gone to three kids, one a teenager, one that is autistic, and one that is trying to find her way in the middle of all this nutso chaos is making me question everything about me and my parenting abilities.  I am praying, each and every day, and even making an appointment to go in and see Father Don from our Catholic Parish to speak and pray with him.  I do believe that prayer between two or more is powerful.  Not that prayer for one is not, but God says when two or more agree in prayer, I will be there.

 

Facebook seems to have become some sort of an issue for me.  I post things that seem pertinent to me and friends of my age understand, call, check on me, relate and comment.  Others just wonder when my mind will come back.  If I post something, it is not directed at you or how I was brought up or anything.  I don't say that being ugly ... I say it because there is no other way to put it out there.  Read it, don't, it doesn't matter.  It is soothing and helps me to speak when I feel so alone here in this place in the middle of the country.  Peaches and cream aren't reality .... cherries have pits sometimes and I know how to deal with them.  Might take me a little time to work through them, but I have before and I will continue to do so.  I am learning that the most important part of me is to be a good mother to my babies.  Losing my sanity and getting caught up in what others think and surrounding myself with those that can't understand me and my heart are not needed.  Love me ~ or don't .... but if you don't, do me a favor and back away.  The haters will always hate ... I just don't want it anymore.  

 

I send much love to all of you .... even if nobody has read this.  I needed to get it out and feel better now that I have typed out my feelings for me to see.  I love you and this is not a negative post.  This is a real post .... please don't hate me for that.  

 

Much love for always,

 

Kelli  

Wow ~ ~ Really???

 

So, I haven't blogged in forever.  I mean, really, like forever.  The last few days have found me dying to sit down and profess some of my feelings and what my heart is telling me that needs to get out.

 

Chad has moved to South Carolina (Charleston) and started his new job with Sports Medicine @ the Old Naval Base with the Homeland Security Training Department.  Big change for him and I am proud of how well he seems to be handling the transition.  We are here in Manhattan, and will be here, until the house sells.  The kids are doing ok, although with Connor's autism, we are seeing some significant changes in behavior that both we and the school are trying our best to stay on top of.  If there is one thing we have been blessed with, it is a great support staff here to help us in Connor's autism diagnosis and their efforts to help with progression, not regression.  We are doing FaceTime with Chad every other day or so and that helps the kids ~ just hanging on like we need to.

 

I need to say this ~ I need to get it out.  None of us are born programmed the way others might want.  We all have different beliefs, interests, morals, things of importance, etc.  Chad and I transitioned to the Catholic Church a year ago after many months of Catechism classes, study and completed with our coming into the church, which included my first and only water baptism.  I hold strong to those beliefs for myself and hope that I can instill those beliefs in my children and family in years to come.  Even though I made this transition and professed my beliefs, I understand at the same time that we as human beings are all unique with our own beliefs, values, morals, etc.  In my heart, it is not for me to judge others at all ~ point blank, PERIOD.  If someone has a conviction for change, that is a calling they feel led to, just as I did concerning my Catholic faith.  If we all weren't unique and from different cultures, backgrounds, countries, etc., what a boring place this earth would be.

 

With that being said, I will just say this and end my post.  I love my family.  I love my husband and 3 babies more than I could ever, ever put into words.  I am raising my children to be openminded, respect themselves and others.  This includes learning to respect others beliefs, even if they happen to be different than the ones taught at home.  There is nothing my children could ever do that would make me love them any less or bring them into my life with open arms at any time.  I understand that many believe in "Tough Love".  Not my bag ~ sorry, y'all.  In my heart, I believe whole heartedly that you can be a respected parent and also try your best to maintain a close and personal relationship with my children.  Maybe it is a difference in my generation, maybe it is a difference in me ~ either way, I don't care.  That is what my heart tells me and others may laugh and say ... just wait .... you haven't seen anything, yet.  Say it .... doesn't mean I will agree or comment.  I am done with that.  Respecting others also means learning to respect others even when they choose not to give me that same respect.

 

To use a well known phrase, I didn't fall of the turnip truck yesterday.  Although to some I will always be a child, I am a soon to be 37 year old (Oct 29th) woman that believes in what I do, say, act on, and even (oh my goodness) illustrate my values to others, but I have feelings all at the same time.  Respect me or not, I am choosing to respect you because that is what I would want my children to do.

 

To say it plainly, if you love me, you love all of me.  You respect me and don't ask me to quiet myself because it bothers you.  You don't ask me to change because it may embarass or be an inconvience to you.  My beliefs come from where I have been, where I am going, and where I hope one day my children can or will be.  I love them unconditionally and that will never ever change.  

 

To all that read this, thank you for spending a little time to read my, well, call it what it really is, a vent.  I love each of you more than I could say and whether we are close now or at some time were, you are reading this because you made or continue to make an impact in my life.  Thank you.  Thank you for making my life better by knowing you. 

 

We are all equal in God's eyes ~ and that has been and will always continue to be good enough for me.  

Uh-Oh ..... I'm Back :)

.... And so it begins .... Back to School Time.  Wasn't it just yesterday that we were going to end of the year last day parties and Sierra was happy to wear pj bottoms in the morning?  Now it is almost time to get back in full swing ~ backpacks, school supplies, lunches, bus stops & the chaos that it all entails.  Threatening Riley within an inch of her life if she doesn't stand still so I can do something with her wild child head of hair ..... oh the the things to look forward to :).

I haven't blogged in forever.  I got in a slump and just not much to say.  Then got excited about vacation the first of August and it was here and then gone in the blink of an eye.  As we drove back home I was extremely sad, but I realized after getting home that it wasn't just because we were leaving Charleston and my family alone.  I realized that some of my sadness stemmed from living so far away from those we love.  It is hard to be so far away from everyone we love ~ California, Memphis, Charleston, Jonesboro.  Sometimes in my heart I pray for Chad to find a job close to family.  That prayer hasn't been answered yet, but I will just keep praying, I suppose.

 It has been a summer of bubbles and swimming and sprinklers and two day car rides to vacation and work and sleepovers and potty training and the list just goes on.  There have been ups and downs and tears and anger and I guess I just chunk it all up to Life.  People aren't always going to agree and I have decided that at 35 years it is time to quit crying and stand up for why those tears would be shed in the first place.  If someone loves you, they should respect you ,as they would someone else, and find a way to move on after gettting their point across.  The Golden Rule has stuck around this long for a reason.  I guess I am just tired of having my feelings hurt and excusing away the reason.  I need to stick up for Kelli Newberry Perkins, whether it is fun or not.

On a positive note, I am going to CanCun with the Kansas State Women's Basketball Team the week of Thanksgiving.  I am so stoked and going tomorrow to find a new bathing suit, since you can't typically find those in snow-ridden Kansas in November.  I am also going to buy it in a size too small to encourage myself to exercise just a bit.  Regardless, I am just thrilled to be traveling out of the country with good company which I think will help ensure a good time.  Chad's daddy is being nice enough to come out and stay with the kids for the week.  I will miss them and this will be my first holiday away from the twins and Sierra.  They don't realize ~ Sierra does.  She's a little upset now, but I think I can bribe her by the time we leave :).

Going to end this now ... things to do and it is almost time to get ready for the weekend.

Take care, y'all.  I miss and love each of you very much.  And remember, if you are ever around Kansas, you always have a welcoming place to stay.

Guess I Am Just Being A Girl ....... Or So I Have Been Told.

So, starting this off again by saying that I haven't blogged in forever.  Not that I haven't thought about it, because I have numerous times, but, just haven't sat down to actually put in words what is going on in my head.  Maybe because I am lazy ~ maybe because I am scared to type out what I really want to say.

Our weekend was good ~ Autism Meets Optimism Event on Saturday and then yesterday, Sierra and I took the little monsters to the zoo.  I told Riley she could stay with her family, the monkeys, but she wanted to go home with us.  Oh well, can't say I didn't try.

Going to make this short and sweet because I don't want to say more than I should.  Just want to say that at the end of the day, just like most other people, I have feelings and I am sorry if that offends or upsets anyone.  Maybe I should keep them inside and hold them tighter than I already do, because, that seems to work well for everyone, right?  Actually, I am at a point that I don't care what works well for everyone.  Call me selfish ~ I am concerned for what works well for me and the way that I respond to my family and others.  Judge Judy wrote a book entitled "Don't Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It's Raining".  Maybe instead of allowing myself to feel for situations, myself, my kids and others, I should adapt to that philosophy.  At one point in my life, I feel like that was where I was at.  After having babies and becoming a wife, that is not exactly what I wanted for my life or anyone in it.  However, sadly, if it works, then it works. 

Maybe I should end by just saying that I have feelings and am tired of them being trampled on.  If that doesn't work for you .... move on.  My leg is tired of getting tinkled on.