How Do I "Let It Go"?

 

Yes, I will start and acknowledge I haven't blogged in forever.  Not on this blog, actually.  But, here we go anyway .... lol.

 

 

Riley is obsessed with Disney's Frozen, like most little girls her age, I suppose.  I think I hear the "Let It Go" Frozen Anthem about 264 times a day.  Lately, the song has been stuck in my head and it just won't go away.  How do I let it go?  How do you let anything go when your heart hurts and you cling to the hurt because it is absolutely all you have?  I'm supposed to keep everything a secret, don't talk about anything or let anyone know, and I just can't.  It isn't me ~ it never has been and maybe that is why it hurts so much.  If you can't be loved for who you really are, not who people want you to be, then what does that mean?

 

I thought moving to Charleston was going to be the gift of a lifetime.  I thought returning "home" would be all I ever wanted and then some.  That hasn't really been the case.  Moving "home" has been a challenge that has brought out hurts I didn't know existed.  It has made me realize that I am not allowed to be me.  Being me makes others unhappy and that isn't ok.  Being me is not ok.  It just isn't.  Being me is a hurt that I hold to my chest daily.  It is a fight I don't know if I can keep fighting.  I guess I can keep fighting, but the end result will always be the same.  Being Kelli is not ok.

 

I question where to go, what to do, what to say, who to be.  Even as I type this I have to be careful of what I say, and not let everything truly out.  It is eating me up inside.  I'm so tired of hurting.  I'm ready for happy, but where is it?  I cling to my children for the happy in life.  They are a joy beyond joys and the shining light behind all the secretly closed doors.  My 3 children are my happiness.  They are my reason to believe that there is still good somewhere in this world.

 

So, I end this probably being more confused than when I started.  I will never raise my children to believe that I am not here for them.  I will teach them that family means something.  Family doesn't mean hurting someone because they aren't who you want them to be.  Family means loving someone completely.  It means there is nothing that makes us not family.  It means that we hold on, no matter what.  Family means love, even if the only place you really feel like you can find it is in the four walls of wherever we call home.  Family means it is always ok to be you, because I love you more than you will ever realize or be able to know.  You always do you ~ it is what we as human beings should always be allowed to be and do.  Being who we really are should be loved because that is family.  Anything else is hurt and it doesn't belong.

 

I will keep searching and seeking to "Let It Go".  If I listened to the song, "the cold never bothered me anyway."  Guess what ... the cold bothers the mess out of me, yet I still cling to it, because it is really all I have to hang onto that part of my life that I have never been able to understand why I didn't belong.  If belonging means I have to let go of me, then is that what I should want to show my children, anyway?

 

Be love ~ give love ~ be you ~ love is what we truly are, even if others choose to turn their back and not see.  Connor, Riley and Sierra ~ I will never Let It Go when it comes to you.  I love you big as the sky, always.

 

 





April Is Autism Awareness Month

 

Today starts the beginning of April which means Autism Awareness Month has begun.  Tomorrow, April 2, 2013, is "Light It Up Blue" Day where homes, organizations, monuments, and places all over the world will go blue for one night to show their solidarity to support this condition that affects in 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys).  This hits home for me.  My son is autistic and it is a battle we fight daily.  We fight for everything for Connor, from bus priviliges on the "big bus" to speech pathology at school to paras to help him with transition and change to being integrated in a regular classroom.  This is something we struggle to battle now, so that life in the future for him will be much like life for you and me.

 

Never did I think we would be affected by this.  But then again, who does?  Autism is not a word we are afraid of and I wish that others, who may not be directly affected by the cause, but those with a honest and sincere heart to help the spread of what has become a worldwide epidemic, would put their foot forward to say "Hey, I am here to help".

 

To show you care, those participating in "Light It Up Blue" Month are shining a blue lightbulb on their porch to symbolize their support.  It is such a small effort with such a big saying.  Don't do it for me, don't do it for you .... do it for all the children, more severe and less severe, like Connor that have an uphill battle to fight to enjoy the things that we all sometimes take for granted.

 

Thanks for reading ~ my love to each of you,

 

Kelli

Spring ~ Is It Really Here Yet?

 

 

Today is Easter ~ the day of our risen Savior.  Because he rose from the grave, we have a future, a promise, a hope.  It is by far one of my most favorite holidays of the year.  It symbolizes hope, spirits renewed and new life.  Without his death and resurrection we have no hope, we have nothing.  Thank you, Lord, for sending your son to die for us so that we may have everlasting life with you in your heavenly home.

 

With the start of spring, comes many things to do.  Spring cleaning, a turn towards the end of the school year, cold weather passing away for a while and the sound of kiddos out to play.  This year is so different for us.  I have stress beyond belief.  Chad got a dream job working in Sports Medicine for Homeland Security in my home of Charleston, South Carolina.  The pay is greatly increased and it is a job with less travel and more time at home with our family.  I had given up hope that we would ever make it back there, but I can now almost touch it.  Our house has been on the market for almost six months now.  Many showings but nobody qualifies to buy.  It is discouraging.  My family is separated, my children are growing up without daddy looking on daily, and I just don't know what else needs to happen to sell this house.  Sometimes I wonder why God puts something in front of us and makes us wait.  Is it to teach us patience?  Is it to teach us to trust in him completely and fully?  I just don't know and I want more than anything for my family to be whole again.

 

Today, I take our Blue Point Himalayan Persian cat to get her semi-annual "Lion Cut".  Yes, look it up and you will laugh.  It is the ridiculous photo of cats that you see where there is only fur left on their heads, tip of the tail and paws.  Otherwise she is shaved down.  I have to say she is more friendly like this and our house is more allergen free.  LuLu, our Basset Hound, will tag along for a nail trim.  I might be tough when needed but cutting a 100 lb. sometimes not so pleasant female Bassett's nails is not my favorite job on the face of the planet.  Again, a time for renewal.  My vacuum will appreciate the lack of Persian fur being sucked up daily.

 

So, I guess the purpose of this blog is to say that life moves on with or without us.  Please pray for my family.  Pray for our home to sell that we can be together again, hopefully and with all my heart before the beginning of school next year.  If you had told me in November that being here through the summer was a possibility I would just laugh.  Now I just pray it doesn't happen.

 

Happy Spring to each of you.  May this new season bring change and positive renewal for each of us.

 

Love and prayers,

 

Kelli

 

 



When Is Enough Enough?  How Long Until You Lose It?

 

So, today I have had it.  I have had it with me, the kids, the house not selling, the separation of my family, my husband being 1 million miles away, 1 dog, 2 cats and 4 hours at Chuck E Cheese.  Oh, and let's not forget a realtor's Open House that brought in 1 couple who aren't even looking to buy right now.  Give me a fricking Xanex and lets call it a day.  Does that about sum it up?

 

I am tired of always trying to do the proper thing.  Do this, Kelli, because you know it is the right thing to do.  Say this, Kelli, because you know it is the right thing to say.  Act like this, Kelli, because nice women act like that.  All these standards that I have set for myself that nobody else seems to give 2 craps about.  A certain someone thinks I am over the top about being nice .... whatever.  Maybe this person has no idea what being nice truly means, and it doesn't mean hurting another over a nice act they choose to perform.  My mind and heart say be the bigger person.  My heart says I am tired.  I am so, so, so, tired.

 

I know there are so many more out there that have real problems and mine aren't even a drop in the bucket.  I know this.  I guess I am being selfish and wallowing in my own pity, but I don't care at this point.  My feelings have been hurt and I am tired of sucking it up like a big girl and making it ok.  If the ever so ominpotent "Dr. Phil" is right, then we teach people how to treat us.  How have I taught people to treat me?  Rude and uncaring?  Like a dishrag to be wrang out at their whim, my feelings never coming into play?  Or here is a good one .... some one would say .... grow up.  You grow up ... I am too busy raising my children, one of which is autistic and a handful just in himself.  I love my babies, but nobody ever said being a parent was for the weak.

 

I am getting more mad by typing this so I need to destress somehow.  I think there might be a Bud Light Platinum in there calling my name.

 

The bottom line is this .... I am not the cause of all your problems.  I don't appreciate being treated like a child at the ripe old age of 37.  I haven't taken from you, hurt you, tried to keep you out of the loop, or tried to dishearten you in any way.  If someone is in my life is in it, it is because I love he/she.  It is because you mean something to me.  So quit being a jerk ~ it only hurts me and does nothing for any of us in the end.  And if it does do something for you in the end, we have much bigger fish to fry at the end of the day.  Screw the hushpuppies, let's get right on to deboning the catfish.

 

Sorry for being rude all.  Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

 

Love,

 

Kelli

Maybe I Should Use Free Blogging Instead of Paying For Therapy ??

 

 

About to head out and pick the monsters up from school today.  Hoping Connor and Riley had a good day.  She informed him this morning he had to be good or Santa was watching him.  When he asked where, she said "I Don't Know ... Ask Mom."

 

Sierra has her Christmas Choral Concert tonight and an awesome and amazing friend of mine is watching the twins so I can attend.  Thanks so much, Michelle ~ you are the absolute best and one of the most amazing things Manhattan holds here for me.  Expecting 2 kindegarteners to stay quiet for an hour or so concert is difficult.  I am going to feed them before taking them to her, but I am sure they will beg for food like little Bassett Hounds before the time is over.  Nothing at home is ever as good as something to eat at someone else's home.

 

Finally finished our Christmas lights outside, complete with porch, fence, angel and feeding reindeer.  Supposed to snow here tomorrow or over tomorrow evening, so even though it should have happened weeks ago, it definitely had to happen now.  One of those nice cold hands, snot dripping on the ground from your nose Christmas lights experience.  The things we do for our babies.

 

Ending for now ... 2 blogs in a day.  I really need a friend, or two, or ten.  Maybe I need a husband to come home.  Maybe I need a life.  Whatever ... it will work out :).

 

Love y'all,

 

Kelli

Grieving, Christmas, Jesus & Heaven

 

It's Monday ... that should probably say enough.  So much has been going on here with the Newberry/Perkins Clan, I could never find a way to type it all.  I am currently holding on line for CafePress.Com .... I ordered $100 worth of autism awareness shirts (Xmas gifts for Chad to give myself and the kids),upon which part of the purchase goes to charity, and when I finally opened the shirts today Sierra's has a smudge and Riley's is faded on the autistic symbol.  Makes me mad, but waiting on hold for 4 thousand hours is making me madder.  Customer service is an art form that left us long ago ... I am learning that more and more every day this week it seems.  Either I will get my money back and keep the shirts, or get new shirts and keep the ones I am not happy with.  Mess with me enough and eventually I will win.  Sorry, Mom, not very lady like, but lady like doesn't always do the job these days, it seems.

 

 

 

 

Doesn't even need to be said, but the shooting in Newton, CT has really shaken me up, much like others in the world.  I am hugging my babies tighter, hanging onto the hugs for longer, and holding them and brushing their hair back behind their ears for just a bit more than they probably want. 

I had to talk to them (Connor & Riley) about the tragedy this weekend, as I didn't want them to hear it on the playground, much like Sierra did hear about 9/11 in kindergarten from some child who knew gorey graphic details she never should have heard.  I told them that some children were hurt very badly when a bad man came into their school.  This is why, I said, that it is very important for them to follow all directions when the school does a lockdown (drill) or any other sort of preparedness activity.  Riley said this morning while eating breakfast that maybe they were eating biscuits at McDonald's and playing Tball with my dad (Mike Newberry) in heaven.  Maybe so ... Connor is pretty upset, mainly because heaven is not something he can associate to with his autism, but, Riley seems to have her own version of heaven.  Of course Jesus and the Virgin Mary are there, but, so are the Golden Arches, DisneyWorld, Pizza Hut, My Daddy (Her Late Granddaddy) and recess all day with the most awesome playground equipment ever.   My heart swells at her interpretation .... through the eyes of a child and out of the mouths of babes.

 

Chad comes home for Xmas on Thursday, the 20th.  The kids are so excited it is like Elvis is coming home to film Blue Hawaii.  We are all happy he is coming ... not the same without him here in our life daily.  FaceTime and the IPhone are great .... just not the same.  I told him I might let him sleep in our room, although, Riley has taken over his bed privileges.  Who knows .. I might end up a la couch so that the young'uns can sleep with Daddy.  You just never know.

 

Will end for now, but need to get something out.  I have heard on the news for the last days that the mentally disturbed man that shot the children and faculty in Newton was autistic and had Aspergers.  For those that don't know ... Aspergers is considered a higher functioning form of autism.  Mainly portrayed as those that are highly intelligent but not so fond of relationships and touch.  I need to get this out of my heart and on this screen .... this young man did not shoot and harm others because he was autistic.  He did what he did because he was mentally disturbed and that is a whole other can of worms.  Something needs to be done ... I don't know if that is gun control, screening or better mental wellness availability.  My "liberal" ideals are not always favored, but at this point, it isn't about being "liberal".  At this point it is about reality and when the next copycat does this again.  Pray for our schools, pray for our teachers and students, pray for school faculty, pray for the families of all the lost, and even that of the disturbed gunman.  We just never know .. only God does and unless we learn to let him back in there isn't much he can do.

 

 

Presents to wrap tomorrow ... teachers gifts to start getting ready and somehow I have to find time with a nice glass of "Kelli's Special (lol) Apple Cider" and watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.  My most favorite Christmas movie and I haven't wanted to watch it unless I can watch it in all its glory without tons of interruptions.  Not sure when that day will come, but I will make it happen in the next several days.

 

I love you all .... more than you know.  Life is short ... kiss your babies, hug your friends, say a prayer and embrace life for all the goodness you can find.

 

Until next time ....

 

Much love and goodness,

 

Kelli

 

   



Sanity ~What Does That Exactly Mean?

 

 

So, today I am sitting down because I need to blog.  I would journal, but I feel like no one hears, and maybe nobody reads this blog, but it relieves so much off my heart to pour out my heart on this computer screen.

 

My life is so chaotic right now ~ it feels like it is out of control and I am spinning and spinning trying to grab a hold of something to keep my head and heart in order.

 

Chad has been gone since early/mid October now.  Since his leaving, more has happened to us than I ever expected.  As most know, our son Connor is autistic.  Let me explain .... this doesn't mean he is slow, this doesn't mean he asked for this, this doesn't mean that somehow we did something wrong to cause this to happen.  This means that Connor was born with a disability, and the disability is coming full circle right before me, right now, with Chad gone.  I thought I was a strong person, and parts of me believe that I am, but right now I don't know if I am strong enough for all this.  Being a single mom of one child was tough ... even though I am married, playing single mom while Chad is gone to three kids, one a teenager, one that is autistic, and one that is trying to find her way in the middle of all this nutso chaos is making me question everything about me and my parenting abilities.  I am praying, each and every day, and even making an appointment to go in and see Father Don from our Catholic Parish to speak and pray with him.  I do believe that prayer between two or more is powerful.  Not that prayer for one is not, but God says when two or more agree in prayer, I will be there.

 

Facebook seems to have become some sort of an issue for me.  I post things that seem pertinent to me and friends of my age understand, call, check on me, relate and comment.  Others just wonder when my mind will come back.  If I post something, it is not directed at you or how I was brought up or anything.  I don't say that being ugly ... I say it because there is no other way to put it out there.  Read it, don't, it doesn't matter.  It is soothing and helps me to speak when I feel so alone here in this place in the middle of the country.  Peaches and cream aren't reality .... cherries have pits sometimes and I know how to deal with them.  Might take me a little time to work through them, but I have before and I will continue to do so.  I am learning that the most important part of me is to be a good mother to my babies.  Losing my sanity and getting caught up in what others think and surrounding myself with those that can't understand me and my heart are not needed.  Love me ~ or don't .... but if you don't, do me a favor and back away.  The haters will always hate ... I just don't want it anymore.  

 

I send much love to all of you .... even if nobody has read this.  I needed to get it out and feel better now that I have typed out my feelings for me to see.  I love you and this is not a negative post.  This is a real post .... please don't hate me for that.  

 

Much love for always,

 

Kelli