How's That Working For Ya?

So, haven't blogged in a bit and decided it was time to put a few things down before I go nuts ... lol ... thoughts running through my mind are sometimes much better understood in print ~ even for me that thinks the thoughts.  It is Tuesday ~ Lord, help me make it to Friday.

I decided this morning that I am upset with a few things in my life, but at the moment, one of the biggest upsets comes to me in the form of being a friend ~ truly caring about the feelings of the person you are supposed to really want in your life.  Days run together, minutes fly by and the more hectic it gets, the more it seems I long for some sense of security and normalcy.  Chad says that I am not social enough, but then when days like today hit, I think maybe it is best for me that I am not.  I am so frustrated ~ hurt, upset, tired ~ whatever ~ just thinking that at some point maybe I need to live by the advice that I heard from Dr. Phil years ago ~ "You teach people how to treat you".  Oh yeah, I could quote the infamous "How's that working for ya?" but we all know that one.  I believe 100% that we do teach others how to treat us, so why do I settle for something that I wouldn't give to anyone else?  And here is where reality kicks me in the butt and I wonder if it is me or what ~ why do we always treat the ones we are supposed to care about worse than anyone else?  That saying is so true ~ so true but so hurtful at times.  I won't continue on this topic ~ I need to quit typing as the more I type the more upset I seem to get.  For this thought, it seems that looking at it in print makes me realize even more that it isn't ok to allow someone to treat me a certain way just because that is how they are.  I mean, really, we could all condition others to allow us to treat them like this or that on a certain day with our varying moods, BUT, that really isn't the nice thing to do, now is it?  Or is it?  Nope, it isn't ~ and in each of our hearts, if we aren't pulled a little when we are "acting ugly" to those we care about, we should be. 

Connor's autism is not a friend today ~ not a friend and I am ready for it to let go of my son, even if just for a little while.  We have good days, bad days, so so days ~ today is not a good day.  He is throwing fits and really only interacting very well with Riley ~ doesn't want to be touched, sitting back in a corner hoarding his cars, very unattached to anything besides these things that others just really can't understand.  Before someone busts out with the typical comment, let me answer for you now, no, I can't snap him out of it ~ autism doesn't work that way.  So, like I have learned on these bad days, I will do my best to care for him at a distance and tuck the tears away for another time, or at least when no one else is watching.  I read an article the other day about a mother who had an autistic child who never wanted to be touched ~ the touch that would comfort you or I set this child into a fit that would last for hours ~ sometimes the entire day or days.  Chad and I are very blessed ~ Connor typically likes and reciprocates touch very well, just not today.  I think that is why days like today suck ~ yep, I said suck ~ because when you want to hold him and help make it go away, you visibly see, and feel, the tugging and pulling away like crazy, that holding him just makes it worse.  This mother said that one day, 3 years ago, the son came up to his mom, visibly uncomfortable, looked in her eyes, leaned against her tightly and told her "I love you" before pulling away and running to his bedroom.  She says in the article that she had waited 5 years for that I love you, and would pray that another one comes before another five years pass.  Can you imagine?  I mean, really, think about that, can you imagine?  I read that and realize that really we are blessed ~ just today is not good and deal with and look forward to tomorrow or the next day or whenever. 

So, I think I will end this on this note ~ it keeps going through my head (just like everything else) and I thought I should share.  A friend I have met recently is no longer working and staying home to take care of her elderly mother who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  We were chatting the other day and somehow the entire "bootstrap" theory came up.  You know the saying ~ pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go on.  In other words, put on your big girl panties and deal with it.  She said to me ~ Honey, once you have children and a marriage and a life in the real world, those boot straps were cut a long time ago.  Me, who can talk someone under the table and back up again, was quiet and just thought and listened.  Each day I feel a little different about her comment, but the fact that I keep coming back to it, makes me realize that it somehow applies to both me and my life.  And again, it reminds me of my first paragraph about being a true person, true spirit ~ a selfless friend who has time for you and remembers that we all need that sometimes.  I said this before, but will say it again ... it is so harder to be still and listen than to talk.  Sometimes our talking hurts those who really need us to listen ~ and if you need that ear to listen ~ being pushed aside each time you reach out hurts more than anything.  Screw the bootstraps ~ I think maybe I need a weekend like the Blake Shelton song ~ It's All About Tonight.  A red Gatorade and feel good pills won't make things better forever, but maybe just long enough for me to figure out where to put those dreaded cut off bootstraps.

Take care, y'all ~ and if you read all the way to the bottom of my rambling ~ Thank you.

"Be Nice or Leave"

Last night and this morning I have had alot on my mind.  Besides the fact that Chado is gone for the week, I have been thinking about myself and how I handle criticism, rejection, and even positive praise.  A few weeks ago in our RCIA Class @ St. Thomas Moore we were asked to receive a compliment and do just that ~ receive the compliment and say only Thank You, instead of spouting out why we were just doing what we do, or where we got our shoes and how much we paid for them or whatever .... just the simple act of receiving something positive isn't always the easiest thing to do.  I am a talker ~ we all know this ~ so just saying thank you was difficult.  In my every day life ~ I think I should try this out, even if the comment isn't positive or praiseful ~ maybe learning to zip it a little more often would help out with some of my self worry and indecisiveness issues.  Maybe yes ~ Maybe no ~ not sure until I apply the concept and actually follow through.

I say all this because recently some things have occurred in my life that make me wonder ~ even as an adult, being rejected for whatever reason still hurts and stings like it used to for me as a child.  OK, maybe not quite as much, but the sting remains.  In our lives, it isn't possible for everyone to like us, to make everyone around us happy or even to be told the truth by everyone.  When some say something to you and then their actions show a different position ~ it hurts and maybe that doesn't change no matter how old we get.  All relationships, including friendships, are tricky and I think I have finally found the catch.  A true friendship may have a rough patch or two, but it doesn't get tricky.  You might disagree or even get angry or frustrated, but the friendship itself is never questioned.  I think even at this age I still long for those relationships, because so many around us seem to say one thing and do another.  This reality of human nature seems to force many of us to keep our guards up and the sad part about it, is that who really wants to live behind that wall?

Life moves on and so do relationships ~ some come, some go and then some real relationships stay.  I guess all I can do is to quit worrying about what others do or say, and start to think and pay more attention to how I can stay.  I've always heard that you can't do wrong and get by ~ that old saying has never been more true in my life than now.

A pizza place in Memphis (The Memphis Pizza Cafe) used to have a sign up that said "Be Nice or Leave".  I am thinking maybe I should find somewhere to post that here in our home.  Wonder if anyone would notice that the sign applied to not only children, but to adults as well?

Maybe I should learn to accept that some people go and that isn't always my fault ~ it might not be any one's fault, and really, why should it matter anyway?  We are who we are and if we try to leave each person a little happier than we found them, then that should be OK.  It should be more than OK ... it should be good and maybe, just maybe, I will learn to live by the words I just typed.

Take care, y'all. 

Oh Monday ~ You Strike Yet Again ......

So, it is Monday after a long holiday weekend and I have to admit that although I dreaded the day, it has gotten off to a pretty good start.  Sierra said on Sunday morning that our Christmas tree was useless here in the living room, since Christmas was over.  I feel like such an "adult" because I have to admit that I am a little glad that all the prep and chaos leading up to the big day is now settling down.  Chad flew out this morning from Kansas City headed to Baltimore and then to Boston for a Women's Basketball Tournament at Dartmouth.  Due to the weather I believe he might get to know the Baltimore Airport very well, since he will probably most definitely be delayed there for quite a while.  This will be his longest trip so far this year ... leaving on Monday and coming home on Sunday.  Celebrating New Year's will be sans Daddy for the monsters ~ by the end of the trip Connor might be speaking even more as he converses with Chad over the phone.

Speaking of Connor, his speech has improved leaps and bounds in the last few months.  Stonehouse and their program is doing wonders for him.  He loves going to "school" and his teachers and staff there are nothing short of amazing.  I am so glad that we were guided in the right direction to test for autism so early ~ at this rate they feel like he might be capable of mainstreaming into a regular kindergarten classroom, and what a blessing that would be.  It was only a few months back when we were begging and hoping that he would use 2 and 3 word phrase; now, at times, we are begging he would hush for just a bit.  He has absolutely no problem voicing his opinion and we are working to stop his favorite phrase of "Oh, My God" since he likes to use it very frequently.  "Oh, My Goodness" obviously doesn't have the same ring for Connor boy, as he continues to be blasphemous on a daily basis.  Can't win 'em all, I suppose.

So, the dishwasher is going, washing machine about to start and cleaning up behind kiddos makes this Monday just like most of the rest.  However, I realize that our family is so blessed to be surrounded by loving family and wonderful new friends that we have made here in Kansas.  As we approach the New Year I am pleased and so happy at where we have come.  Our Catholicism journey is in full swing with classes starting back after the holiday break, our children are healthy & life is overall good to each of us.  I can't lie and say that I am the most pleasant person all the time, but I try a little harder each day.  OK, I should be honest and admit that I try a little harder as often as I can.  Those who know me well understand that the whole cup half full philosophy just isn't my thing.  Don't know that it ever will be, but you have to admit that at least I am honest, even with my cup a little below the half empty line.

Much love to all of you ~ have a wonderful week, y'all!

Potty Training, Christmas Trees & Blood Clots ~ What You Talking About, Newberry?

So ~ I feel like a complete slacker, as I haven't sat down to "blog" in the last few weeks.  It isn't because I didn't have anything to say, because we all know that times where I don't have anything to say are non-existent or very few and far between ~ it has probably been more so because I let so much time pass that I had lots to say and no clue how to put it all down without typing out a novel and a half or so.  Much has happened over the past 3 weeks ~ Riley started using the potty, Connor has decided he likes talking so much that he was kind enough to tell a State Trooper in Craig County, Arkansas "Thank You" as I was being handed a 77 in a 55 speeding ticket, Sierra has turned into a teenager while I was watching and not wanting to look & basketball season is in full swing, which means that for the next 4-5 months my husband will trade being married to me to being married to the Kansas State Wildcats Women's Basketball Team & Staff.  And, before I forget, I am typing this with my left leg elevated, because I currently have a superficial blood clot in my left leg ~ thigh down to the ankle.  Superficial or not ~ it hurts way bad and I would prefer for it to just go away, but I don't think what I prefer or what I want applies in this situation.

As I was going through my morning today, I had a moment that helped me out with my blogging predicament.  Instead of typing out paragraph after paragraph, I decided I would make a list of things that had occurred to me over the time since my last posting.  Not sure that it won't be just as long or even longer, but figured it was worth a shot.  I  can't say that the following listings will all apply to my 3 weeks blog free, but, I can say that at some point lately these topics have crossed my mind.  No guarantees it will be worth reading, but if you know me well enough, well .... lol ... read further if you wish :-) 

• Buying makeup for Sierra bothers me in a real sort of way, even if it is just mascara and blush ~ guess it bothers me because she is growing up and I can't stop it.  However, buying it for her is better than getting ready in the morning and realizing I have to go find my makeup in her room.  I keep forgetting that as a parent, I no longer have anything that belongs to me and only me.  Wait ~ maybe the fabulous appliance known as the dishwasher ~ I think that I am still allowed to be solely responsible for that fascinating piece of modern technology that I load and unload at least once, but usually twice daily.

• Nancy Grace and Wayne Brady both annoy me in a serious way ... not exactly sure why.  Never the less ~ I can't stand listening or looking at either of them.

•  Living so far away from family doesn't get any easier and some days just seems to get worse.  I miss those I love so much, and, I hate that our lives are shared over the telephone and not more up close and personal.

• I love lying on the sofa and looking at our Christmas tree.  Every ornament reminds me of something and the memories that are usually stirred bring a smile.  However, if the ornaments are out of place or not staggered exactly the way I want, then out the door goes the smile until I can fix it the way I envision in my mind that it should be.  Even as I read that, that whole concept of a "perfect" tree bothers me.  How in the world can I expect the tree to be halfway orderly with toddler twins and a home daycare?  LOL .... don't know how in the world, but it still bothers me and I have mentally looked back at the tree just now and see 2 or 3 spots that I need to fix before I can be mentally prepared to enjoy the memories I love to remember.

•  I love that Riley working on being fully potty capable means buying less diapers.  On the flip side of that thought, I dread the day that both she and Connor are so big that I throw away the last pull ups/diapers we have and grab onto the reality that the phase of diapers and wipes in our lives is over.  Don't get me wrong, though .... I love the idea that the $25-30 a week spent on diapers can be spent on something else ... like dinner, for instance.  Not that I don't like to cook ~ just way too tired and entirely too lazy to want to cook dinner and do dishes every night of the week.  Even 5 nights a week ... or 4 seems like more than I want to do.  Call me what you want ~ Wendy's, Taco Bell, "Donald's" or takeout from McAllister's are winners to me after a long day when I just don't want to imagine sticking another dish in the above mentioned item that belongs solely to me.  (See listing #1) lol.

• Blood clots, whether superficial or not, hurt in a way I couldn't really explain.  They suck.  No nice way to put it.  Just thought I would get that out.

• On November 30th of this year, my Dad has been gone 21 years.  Yes, you read that right ~ 21 years.  Where does time go?  I miss him like it was yesterday, but my brain realizes it was further away than that.  I hate that he isn't here to see my children grow, but I know that somehow he does see in his own way.  I am thankful that many family members and new people God placed in our lives stepped up to help all of us threw such a terrible time.  To each of you, and you know who you are, thank you from the very bottom of my heart.

• I feel like a slacker that once again we probably aren't, ok, almost most definitely not, getting out Christmas cards this year.  I always have great hopes and dreams, but like most other things my ideas and actual follow throughs tend to slide through the cracks.  Maybe I should create some sort of mid- winter greeting card ~ after the chaos of Christmas but when the winter is dragging on and seems to never end.  Think of what a surprise it would be to get a greeting card in the middle of January ~ just a thought ~ maybe I should look into marketing this idea.  Or maybe not.  I will probably let that fall through the cracks as well.

• Marriage is tough ~ worth it, but really tough some days.  Seems like when finances are good, marriage is good.  However, when money isn't good you can be assured that there will be rocky times to follow for Chad and I.  I also have decided that those who say money isn't important probably don't have to worry about what bills to pay or what needs to be done for your family of five.  I know as well as anyone that money doesn't make the man ... yada yada yada.  I do know, however, that life seems to flow much smoother when the worry and concern of how you are going to make it is alleviated when financial worries are not a concern. 

• As I am typing this, it is a blazing 16 degrees, with a wind chill making it feel like a whopping 5 degrees outside.  All I want from Santa is a heated matress pad and a heated throw blanket.  And that's all I have to say about that.

Hope this post finds each of you doing well.  I miss everyone tons.  This time of year is so special, and sometimes so heart wrenching all at the same time.  Makes me remember what and who is important in our lives.  And, in my heart, I know I wouldn't be the same without each one of you who occassionally happens, or those who never happen, to read this silly little blog.  Thank you all for loving me enough to help guide me to the place I was supposed to be. 

Happy Holidays, y'all ~ hugs and kisses to each of you.

Autism ~ You Are Not Always So Good To Us .....

Hey everyone ... or hey no one ... not sure how many follow my silly little blog. 

I am in a crazy erratic terrible mood .... been a rough day ... but I just wanted to sit down and get something out.

For those that doubt that autism is a real and viable disorder, then maybe we should change lives for a few days and let you live in mine and watch your child go through situations that neither he nor you can control or fix or make better for him.  After dropping Sierra off for a school dance, Connor launched into his crying don't let her go fit in the car, as did Riley, except Connor's fit has lasted until just now ~ let's see ... that would be near 1 1/2 hours.  Riley stopped crying after watching her sister walk into the building, Connor ~ not so much.

I headed to Walgreens for Boudreaux Butt Paste .. lol ... still makes me laugh .... and a heating pad.  What else goes better together?  The tantrum had stopped for a few moments from leaving Sierra as we got from the car into the shopping cart.  Upon entering the automatic doors at Walgreens it started all over again, only this time much much worse.  As I hastily headed through the store I have a lightbulb parent moment .. the toy aisle ... let's get a toy ... that always works.  Maybe sometimes, but oh dear autism, not today.  I don't know if researchers are right ... is it sensory overload, is it flourescent lights?  What is it that makes my son go into a raving crying fit with hands over his ears and eyes closed and clinging onto the cart for dear life in what should be a perfectly normal situation?  What is it?  Please, someone tell me ... my sanity as well as my heart needs to know.  Even with a super cool fire truck and nifty little Mickey Christmas glass the fit continued and at that point I gave up.  I threw stuff in the cart, shot very ugly eyes at two gentlemen who couldn't keep their eyes off of our apparent freak show (seriously, I doubt these two less than desirable men could work hard enough to keep a pet rock alive, but who am I to say?), and headed for the checkout.  At the point of checkout, Connor is clinging to my skin for dear life ... I mean ... no kidding ... I am surprised his little nails didn't draw blood.   We run through the checkout, the clerk gives back the firetruck to the crying for his life child that has to remove his hands from his ears to brace the truck against himself and the cart.  You see, he wasn't even holding the truck ... just trying to hold it close and holding his hands over his ears as he had done upon our arrival at Glorious oh Glorious Walgreens.

We get in the car and the crying continues, this time with eyes covered ..... what do I do?  If your answer is to spank him or physically punish him, then please do me a favor, don't finish reading this post or any other post I ever choose to put on here.  The title, thanks to Stan, of Truality really applies here.  This is my life .. not sugar coated or paint by numbers.  I don't know why I feel the need to explain behavior exhibited by my son to verify for others that he truly does have autism.  I guess I hear so much that he is just being a kid .... these fits, ears covering, eyes covered, clinging to my skin for his life ... these fits, tantrums, whatever you choose to call them, are not just being a kid. 

As I have typed this post, I am thinking in my head about true support and I think that only comes when someone loves you and trusts you enough to let go and trust you as a parent.  To trust the developmental pediatricians and psychologists and speech therapists and occupational therapists who are good at doing their jobs and making a final decision on whether or not they diagnose a child with Autism or Asperger's or PDD or nothing.  I love Connor more than my life, as I do all my children, but this place in me is coming to a part where I am so emotionally drained with having to explain that it isn't bad behavior ~ it is a condition and we are working with others to do the best we can for our son.  Hear me when I type this ... our son .... we all want the best for our kids ... why would anyone try to blame something on what it isn't when it comes to times like this?  I am not playing an autism card ... that "card" was put in Connor's deck and as his mother I am doing my best to help him make the right move with what God chose to deal my little boy.

My son has autism ..... I know that, his father knows that, his sisters know that and most family members know as well.  If you don't know, then please love us & Connor enough to take the time to learn about it and begin to know it as well.  We call an apple an apple ~ it is time for us to call autism exactly what it is ... autism.

Much love everyone,

Kelli

Does Dr. Temple Grandin Think Pretty Is, Is Pretty Does?

So, I remember hearing the phrase "Pretty Is, Is Pretty Does" about 4 million times ~ even every now and then I hear it these days or find myself passing it onto my daughters.  My mother, my Grandma Rosie, and even Mom Walker all carried these words of wisdom and they have been passed down through generation to generation, and I suspect, will contine on down the line.  Here's my issue ... the last few weeks I haven't felt like acting very "pretty" and I am having a hard time wrestling in my heart and mind over those five little words.

Connor's midday busdriver has been less than pleasant since the first day she brought him home, and that is putting it mildly.  I won't type out all the issues because even I am tired of them running through my head, but, just trust me when I say she has not been the least bit nice to deal with.  We have had lost backpacks (which is pretty tramatic for a child with autism), open bus doors that he runs out of and I am lucky he runs to our fence and not the car coming in the opposite direction, and most recently, a slide down the stairs of the bus before I could grab him as his feet hit the cement.  I have called everyone I know to call, yet the behavior on her part continues and I hit this point where I just feel at a loss as what to do.  Chad says let it go .... my heart says no ... he is our son and whether he has autism or not, no 3 year old can advocate for themselves.  After speaking with the Special Education Director for our district today I felt better ... I told her I wanted to send letters voicing my concerns and carbon copy them to the Transportation Dept, the Special Education Dept, The District Autism Director, Stonehouse Learning Center (his prek program) and finally, the school board.  I just don't get it ... why is it ok for one person to continually exhibit bad behavior and poor judgement at her job, when if anyone else did the same thing, most certainly we would be explaining or fixing our faults if they had not already caused us to be terminated from our employment.  I told the director that my husband says to let it go, don't cause anymore problems for Connor .... she paused for a moment and said that I wasn't creating a problem, only trying to finally find a way to fix the problems that have continued since August.  I guess I say this because sometimes I just get tired of trying to be "pretty".  I hear what everyone tells me to do, but I think that my heart is beginning to realize that sometimes being pretty means listening to your head and heart all at once and deciding what is best for you to do.  Momma knows best ... sometimes and sometimes not.  But guess what ... it's all a learning process and I guess that trying to be pretty is always a work in progress.





On a different note, I am stoked about going to hear a presentation by Dr. Temple Grandin tomorrow evening at Kansas State.  Dr. Grandin is autistic and didn't speak until the age of 3, was told by her parents to be institutionalized, and by her mother refusing to listen and go with the norm, she raised a daughter that has taught the world so much about autism and livestock development that she is world renowned.  What a loss had they listened to what they were told .... I guess her mom wasn't being pretty when she decided to go against the advice of medical professionals and family and act in what her heart told her was best for her little girl.  As I type this, I think I realize that Pretty is, Is Pretty Does means so many different things in so many individual situations.

I think that I will continue to hang onto the phrase and keep it tucked away, as I surely will continue to tell my children that Pretty Is, Is Pretty Does in the future.  I guess it will be up to each of them to decide what that means, but for me, I think my meaning is a little deeper than I ever would have thought when I first heard those five little words.

Not much more to say for tonight ... could go on, but we all have our 2 cents and like my mother-in-law always says .... With that and a few dollars (these days of course) that might get you a cup of coffee.  Notice the word might .... a few dollars and 2 cents probably doesn't include a latte or mocha, but maybe sometimes a cup of strong black coffee is all that we really need.

Have a good week, y'all :) !  

You are my SunShine

Not much to say today, but heard this song this morning and haven't been able to get it out of my head. 

Have a great Tuesday, y'all!