So, as a little girl I always thought that you would feel different the older you got. I can't speak for others, only myself, but, I don't feel much different. I feel like Kelli, only slightly more stressed, a little more weight, much different priorities, major issues with vascular congestion in my legs from having babies, but, still me underneath it all. I guess I am still waiting on that feeling different part ~ only different I feel is that I am turning more and more into my mother and other relatives I promised I would never be.
Sierra is 14 years old and wants to go out on Halloween with a few of her girlfriends to go Trick or Treating. Actually, I am surprised they still want to do that at this point, but, I am trying to very slowly let a little slack on the apron strings. I remember when she was less than 5 days old and I cried thinking that one day she would grow up and leave me. I mean, really, I had some issues. lol. However, somehow those feeling from 14 years ago are popping back and I am so scared about her growing up and one day flying the coop to begin her life on her own. I want so much for her and feeling like I only have a few more years to instill in her all I want her to know. Then I sit back and remember that life is a process and we all have to learn. The best gift I can give any of my children is to try and keep communication open and try to help them without letting them know. I know there is a fine line of being a parent or being a friend .... somehow as she grows older I want to find that line, where I can be both. Some say it is impossible ~ and maybe for them it is ~ but, I don't have to fall into that because others say what is and isn't. This is my family and I am slowly learning to stand up for what I want for my children and my family. Problem is that I have yet figured out how to stand up for me ~ ~ that is still a work in the progress and I guess that inner little girl never goes away when it comes to standing up for me.
So, tonight I will go to dinner with my very sweet husband and we will enjoy dinner and probably spend most of the time talking about our twins and Sierra and jobs and what real life becomes when you grow up. But somehow, in the back of my mind, I hold onto those birthday parties in Evans when I dressed as a bunny from the year before's dance recital and blew out candles on a cake decorated with pumpkins and ghosts. I hang onto my daddy showing me my birthday present before it was wrapped and telling me if I told my mom I was beyond in trouble. But, she always found out and that trouble never occurred. I remember my parents thinking that if they weren't drinkers, they should probably have started, when they agreed to take 10 or 12 preteen girls on a Halloween Ghost Walk in Downtown Charleston that was then followed by a slumber party. All the giggles ~ all the presents and now all the years and I am 35. Last night I cried because sometimes it hurts so much to celebrate without my Dad ~ I cried because I couldn't remember how his hands looked. Silly, huh? Then Chad came in and reminded me that it didn't matter how his hands looked ~ what mattered is that I have memories of those arms and hands holding onto me and that is way more important than what his hands actually looked like. I miss him ~ the years that pass just don't make that go away.
Without sounding too nostaligic, I am blessed to have reached 35 years. I am blessed to have a wonderful family who loves me, very caring and special in-laws that truly want the best for all of our family and have always included my daughter and myself like one of their own, a wonderful Newberry family in Memphis & Joneseboro that mean more to me than I could ever begin to express in words, and finally, a mom, stepfather and brother that help me remember what it means to be family. Some years weren't easy, but without the struggle, how can we appreciate the love that always comes back around? And I wonder how much my Dad had a part of that .... he might not be here physically, but in my heart, I realize if I look and reach hard enough, those hands I have a hard time remembering are still all around me and probably sometimes hold me when I don't even know.
Thanks so much for all the birthday wishes ~ they mean more than I could ever express. All of you are so special to me ~ each and everyone of you have touched my life in one way or another and I am better because of it. So, do I feel 35? Yes, I do. But do I feel different? Nope, still the same Kelli ~ hopefully.
Have a good weekend, y'all! Love and miss each and every one of you :)
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