How Do I "Let It Go"?

 

Yes, I will start and acknowledge I haven't blogged in forever.  Not on this blog, actually.  But, here we go anyway .... lol.

 

 

Riley is obsessed with Disney's Frozen, like most little girls her age, I suppose.  I think I hear the "Let It Go" Frozen Anthem about 264 times a day.  Lately, the song has been stuck in my head and it just won't go away.  How do I let it go?  How do you let anything go when your heart hurts and you cling to the hurt because it is absolutely all you have?  I'm supposed to keep everything a secret, don't talk about anything or let anyone know, and I just can't.  It isn't me ~ it never has been and maybe that is why it hurts so much.  If you can't be loved for who you really are, not who people want you to be, then what does that mean?

 

I thought moving to Charleston was going to be the gift of a lifetime.  I thought returning "home" would be all I ever wanted and then some.  That hasn't really been the case.  Moving "home" has been a challenge that has brought out hurts I didn't know existed.  It has made me realize that I am not allowed to be me.  Being me makes others unhappy and that isn't ok.  Being me is not ok.  It just isn't.  Being me is a hurt that I hold to my chest daily.  It is a fight I don't know if I can keep fighting.  I guess I can keep fighting, but the end result will always be the same.  Being Kelli is not ok.

 

I question where to go, what to do, what to say, who to be.  Even as I type this I have to be careful of what I say, and not let everything truly out.  It is eating me up inside.  I'm so tired of hurting.  I'm ready for happy, but where is it?  I cling to my children for the happy in life.  They are a joy beyond joys and the shining light behind all the secretly closed doors.  My 3 children are my happiness.  They are my reason to believe that there is still good somewhere in this world.

 

So, I end this probably being more confused than when I started.  I will never raise my children to believe that I am not here for them.  I will teach them that family means something.  Family doesn't mean hurting someone because they aren't who you want them to be.  Family means loving someone completely.  It means there is nothing that makes us not family.  It means that we hold on, no matter what.  Family means love, even if the only place you really feel like you can find it is in the four walls of wherever we call home.  Family means it is always ok to be you, because I love you more than you will ever realize or be able to know.  You always do you ~ it is what we as human beings should always be allowed to be and do.  Being who we really are should be loved because that is family.  Anything else is hurt and it doesn't belong.

 

I will keep searching and seeking to "Let It Go".  If I listened to the song, "the cold never bothered me anyway."  Guess what ... the cold bothers the mess out of me, yet I still cling to it, because it is really all I have to hang onto that part of my life that I have never been able to understand why I didn't belong.  If belonging means I have to let go of me, then is that what I should want to show my children, anyway?

 

Be love ~ give love ~ be you ~ love is what we truly are, even if others choose to turn their back and not see.  Connor, Riley and Sierra ~ I will never Let It Go when it comes to you.  I love you big as the sky, always.

 

 





April Is Autism Awareness Month

 

Today starts the beginning of April which means Autism Awareness Month has begun.  Tomorrow, April 2, 2013, is "Light It Up Blue" Day where homes, organizations, monuments, and places all over the world will go blue for one night to show their solidarity to support this condition that affects in 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys).  This hits home for me.  My son is autistic and it is a battle we fight daily.  We fight for everything for Connor, from bus priviliges on the "big bus" to speech pathology at school to paras to help him with transition and change to being integrated in a regular classroom.  This is something we struggle to battle now, so that life in the future for him will be much like life for you and me.

 

Never did I think we would be affected by this.  But then again, who does?  Autism is not a word we are afraid of and I wish that others, who may not be directly affected by the cause, but those with a honest and sincere heart to help the spread of what has become a worldwide epidemic, would put their foot forward to say "Hey, I am here to help".

 

To show you care, those participating in "Light It Up Blue" Month are shining a blue lightbulb on their porch to symbolize their support.  It is such a small effort with such a big saying.  Don't do it for me, don't do it for you .... do it for all the children, more severe and less severe, like Connor that have an uphill battle to fight to enjoy the things that we all sometimes take for granted.

 

Thanks for reading ~ my love to each of you,

 

Kelli

Spring ~ Is It Really Here Yet?

 

 

Today is Easter ~ the day of our risen Savior.  Because he rose from the grave, we have a future, a promise, a hope.  It is by far one of my most favorite holidays of the year.  It symbolizes hope, spirits renewed and new life.  Without his death and resurrection we have no hope, we have nothing.  Thank you, Lord, for sending your son to die for us so that we may have everlasting life with you in your heavenly home.

 

With the start of spring, comes many things to do.  Spring cleaning, a turn towards the end of the school year, cold weather passing away for a while and the sound of kiddos out to play.  This year is so different for us.  I have stress beyond belief.  Chad got a dream job working in Sports Medicine for Homeland Security in my home of Charleston, South Carolina.  The pay is greatly increased and it is a job with less travel and more time at home with our family.  I had given up hope that we would ever make it back there, but I can now almost touch it.  Our house has been on the market for almost six months now.  Many showings but nobody qualifies to buy.  It is discouraging.  My family is separated, my children are growing up without daddy looking on daily, and I just don't know what else needs to happen to sell this house.  Sometimes I wonder why God puts something in front of us and makes us wait.  Is it to teach us patience?  Is it to teach us to trust in him completely and fully?  I just don't know and I want more than anything for my family to be whole again.

 

Today, I take our Blue Point Himalayan Persian cat to get her semi-annual "Lion Cut".  Yes, look it up and you will laugh.  It is the ridiculous photo of cats that you see where there is only fur left on their heads, tip of the tail and paws.  Otherwise she is shaved down.  I have to say she is more friendly like this and our house is more allergen free.  LuLu, our Basset Hound, will tag along for a nail trim.  I might be tough when needed but cutting a 100 lb. sometimes not so pleasant female Bassett's nails is not my favorite job on the face of the planet.  Again, a time for renewal.  My vacuum will appreciate the lack of Persian fur being sucked up daily.

 

So, I guess the purpose of this blog is to say that life moves on with or without us.  Please pray for my family.  Pray for our home to sell that we can be together again, hopefully and with all my heart before the beginning of school next year.  If you had told me in November that being here through the summer was a possibility I would just laugh.  Now I just pray it doesn't happen.

 

Happy Spring to each of you.  May this new season bring change and positive renewal for each of us.

 

Love and prayers,

 

Kelli

 

 



When Is Enough Enough?  How Long Until You Lose It?

 

So, today I have had it.  I have had it with me, the kids, the house not selling, the separation of my family, my husband being 1 million miles away, 1 dog, 2 cats and 4 hours at Chuck E Cheese.  Oh, and let's not forget a realtor's Open House that brought in 1 couple who aren't even looking to buy right now.  Give me a fricking Xanex and lets call it a day.  Does that about sum it up?

 

I am tired of always trying to do the proper thing.  Do this, Kelli, because you know it is the right thing to do.  Say this, Kelli, because you know it is the right thing to say.  Act like this, Kelli, because nice women act like that.  All these standards that I have set for myself that nobody else seems to give 2 craps about.  A certain someone thinks I am over the top about being nice .... whatever.  Maybe this person has no idea what being nice truly means, and it doesn't mean hurting another over a nice act they choose to perform.  My mind and heart say be the bigger person.  My heart says I am tired.  I am so, so, so, tired.

 

I know there are so many more out there that have real problems and mine aren't even a drop in the bucket.  I know this.  I guess I am being selfish and wallowing in my own pity, but I don't care at this point.  My feelings have been hurt and I am tired of sucking it up like a big girl and making it ok.  If the ever so ominpotent "Dr. Phil" is right, then we teach people how to treat us.  How have I taught people to treat me?  Rude and uncaring?  Like a dishrag to be wrang out at their whim, my feelings never coming into play?  Or here is a good one .... some one would say .... grow up.  You grow up ... I am too busy raising my children, one of which is autistic and a handful just in himself.  I love my babies, but nobody ever said being a parent was for the weak.

 

I am getting more mad by typing this so I need to destress somehow.  I think there might be a Bud Light Platinum in there calling my name.

 

The bottom line is this .... I am not the cause of all your problems.  I don't appreciate being treated like a child at the ripe old age of 37.  I haven't taken from you, hurt you, tried to keep you out of the loop, or tried to dishearten you in any way.  If someone is in my life is in it, it is because I love he/she.  It is because you mean something to me.  So quit being a jerk ~ it only hurts me and does nothing for any of us in the end.  And if it does do something for you in the end, we have much bigger fish to fry at the end of the day.  Screw the hushpuppies, let's get right on to deboning the catfish.

 

Sorry for being rude all.  Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

 

Love,

 

Kelli

Maybe I Should Use Free Blogging Instead of Paying For Therapy ??

 

 

About to head out and pick the monsters up from school today.  Hoping Connor and Riley had a good day.  She informed him this morning he had to be good or Santa was watching him.  When he asked where, she said "I Don't Know ... Ask Mom."

 

Sierra has her Christmas Choral Concert tonight and an awesome and amazing friend of mine is watching the twins so I can attend.  Thanks so much, Michelle ~ you are the absolute best and one of the most amazing things Manhattan holds here for me.  Expecting 2 kindegarteners to stay quiet for an hour or so concert is difficult.  I am going to feed them before taking them to her, but I am sure they will beg for food like little Bassett Hounds before the time is over.  Nothing at home is ever as good as something to eat at someone else's home.

 

Finally finished our Christmas lights outside, complete with porch, fence, angel and feeding reindeer.  Supposed to snow here tomorrow or over tomorrow evening, so even though it should have happened weeks ago, it definitely had to happen now.  One of those nice cold hands, snot dripping on the ground from your nose Christmas lights experience.  The things we do for our babies.

 

Ending for now ... 2 blogs in a day.  I really need a friend, or two, or ten.  Maybe I need a husband to come home.  Maybe I need a life.  Whatever ... it will work out :).

 

Love y'all,

 

Kelli

Grieving, Christmas, Jesus & Heaven

 

It's Monday ... that should probably say enough.  So much has been going on here with the Newberry/Perkins Clan, I could never find a way to type it all.  I am currently holding on line for CafePress.Com .... I ordered $100 worth of autism awareness shirts (Xmas gifts for Chad to give myself and the kids),upon which part of the purchase goes to charity, and when I finally opened the shirts today Sierra's has a smudge and Riley's is faded on the autistic symbol.  Makes me mad, but waiting on hold for 4 thousand hours is making me madder.  Customer service is an art form that left us long ago ... I am learning that more and more every day this week it seems.  Either I will get my money back and keep the shirts, or get new shirts and keep the ones I am not happy with.  Mess with me enough and eventually I will win.  Sorry, Mom, not very lady like, but lady like doesn't always do the job these days, it seems.

 

 

 

 

Doesn't even need to be said, but the shooting in Newton, CT has really shaken me up, much like others in the world.  I am hugging my babies tighter, hanging onto the hugs for longer, and holding them and brushing their hair back behind their ears for just a bit more than they probably want. 

I had to talk to them (Connor & Riley) about the tragedy this weekend, as I didn't want them to hear it on the playground, much like Sierra did hear about 9/11 in kindergarten from some child who knew gorey graphic details she never should have heard.  I told them that some children were hurt very badly when a bad man came into their school.  This is why, I said, that it is very important for them to follow all directions when the school does a lockdown (drill) or any other sort of preparedness activity.  Riley said this morning while eating breakfast that maybe they were eating biscuits at McDonald's and playing Tball with my dad (Mike Newberry) in heaven.  Maybe so ... Connor is pretty upset, mainly because heaven is not something he can associate to with his autism, but, Riley seems to have her own version of heaven.  Of course Jesus and the Virgin Mary are there, but, so are the Golden Arches, DisneyWorld, Pizza Hut, My Daddy (Her Late Granddaddy) and recess all day with the most awesome playground equipment ever.   My heart swells at her interpretation .... through the eyes of a child and out of the mouths of babes.

 

Chad comes home for Xmas on Thursday, the 20th.  The kids are so excited it is like Elvis is coming home to film Blue Hawaii.  We are all happy he is coming ... not the same without him here in our life daily.  FaceTime and the IPhone are great .... just not the same.  I told him I might let him sleep in our room, although, Riley has taken over his bed privileges.  Who knows .. I might end up a la couch so that the young'uns can sleep with Daddy.  You just never know.

 

Will end for now, but need to get something out.  I have heard on the news for the last days that the mentally disturbed man that shot the children and faculty in Newton was autistic and had Aspergers.  For those that don't know ... Aspergers is considered a higher functioning form of autism.  Mainly portrayed as those that are highly intelligent but not so fond of relationships and touch.  I need to get this out of my heart and on this screen .... this young man did not shoot and harm others because he was autistic.  He did what he did because he was mentally disturbed and that is a whole other can of worms.  Something needs to be done ... I don't know if that is gun control, screening or better mental wellness availability.  My "liberal" ideals are not always favored, but at this point, it isn't about being "liberal".  At this point it is about reality and when the next copycat does this again.  Pray for our schools, pray for our teachers and students, pray for school faculty, pray for the families of all the lost, and even that of the disturbed gunman.  We just never know .. only God does and unless we learn to let him back in there isn't much he can do.

 

 

Presents to wrap tomorrow ... teachers gifts to start getting ready and somehow I have to find time with a nice glass of "Kelli's Special (lol) Apple Cider" and watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.  My most favorite Christmas movie and I haven't wanted to watch it unless I can watch it in all its glory without tons of interruptions.  Not sure when that day will come, but I will make it happen in the next several days.

 

I love you all .... more than you know.  Life is short ... kiss your babies, hug your friends, say a prayer and embrace life for all the goodness you can find.

 

Until next time ....

 

Much love and goodness,

 

Kelli

 

   



Sanity ~What Does That Exactly Mean?

 

 

So, today I am sitting down because I need to blog.  I would journal, but I feel like no one hears, and maybe nobody reads this blog, but it relieves so much off my heart to pour out my heart on this computer screen.

 

My life is so chaotic right now ~ it feels like it is out of control and I am spinning and spinning trying to grab a hold of something to keep my head and heart in order.

 

Chad has been gone since early/mid October now.  Since his leaving, more has happened to us than I ever expected.  As most know, our son Connor is autistic.  Let me explain .... this doesn't mean he is slow, this doesn't mean he asked for this, this doesn't mean that somehow we did something wrong to cause this to happen.  This means that Connor was born with a disability, and the disability is coming full circle right before me, right now, with Chad gone.  I thought I was a strong person, and parts of me believe that I am, but right now I don't know if I am strong enough for all this.  Being a single mom of one child was tough ... even though I am married, playing single mom while Chad is gone to three kids, one a teenager, one that is autistic, and one that is trying to find her way in the middle of all this nutso chaos is making me question everything about me and my parenting abilities.  I am praying, each and every day, and even making an appointment to go in and see Father Don from our Catholic Parish to speak and pray with him.  I do believe that prayer between two or more is powerful.  Not that prayer for one is not, but God says when two or more agree in prayer, I will be there.

 

Facebook seems to have become some sort of an issue for me.  I post things that seem pertinent to me and friends of my age understand, call, check on me, relate and comment.  Others just wonder when my mind will come back.  If I post something, it is not directed at you or how I was brought up or anything.  I don't say that being ugly ... I say it because there is no other way to put it out there.  Read it, don't, it doesn't matter.  It is soothing and helps me to speak when I feel so alone here in this place in the middle of the country.  Peaches and cream aren't reality .... cherries have pits sometimes and I know how to deal with them.  Might take me a little time to work through them, but I have before and I will continue to do so.  I am learning that the most important part of me is to be a good mother to my babies.  Losing my sanity and getting caught up in what others think and surrounding myself with those that can't understand me and my heart are not needed.  Love me ~ or don't .... but if you don't, do me a favor and back away.  The haters will always hate ... I just don't want it anymore.  

 

I send much love to all of you .... even if nobody has read this.  I needed to get it out and feel better now that I have typed out my feelings for me to see.  I love you and this is not a negative post.  This is a real post .... please don't hate me for that.  

 

Much love for always,

 

Kelli  

Wow ~ ~ Really???

 

So, I haven't blogged in forever.  I mean, really, like forever.  The last few days have found me dying to sit down and profess some of my feelings and what my heart is telling me that needs to get out.

 

Chad has moved to South Carolina (Charleston) and started his new job with Sports Medicine @ the Old Naval Base with the Homeland Security Training Department.  Big change for him and I am proud of how well he seems to be handling the transition.  We are here in Manhattan, and will be here, until the house sells.  The kids are doing ok, although with Connor's autism, we are seeing some significant changes in behavior that both we and the school are trying our best to stay on top of.  If there is one thing we have been blessed with, it is a great support staff here to help us in Connor's autism diagnosis and their efforts to help with progression, not regression.  We are doing FaceTime with Chad every other day or so and that helps the kids ~ just hanging on like we need to.

 

I need to say this ~ I need to get it out.  None of us are born programmed the way others might want.  We all have different beliefs, interests, morals, things of importance, etc.  Chad and I transitioned to the Catholic Church a year ago after many months of Catechism classes, study and completed with our coming into the church, which included my first and only water baptism.  I hold strong to those beliefs for myself and hope that I can instill those beliefs in my children and family in years to come.  Even though I made this transition and professed my beliefs, I understand at the same time that we as human beings are all unique with our own beliefs, values, morals, etc.  In my heart, it is not for me to judge others at all ~ point blank, PERIOD.  If someone has a conviction for change, that is a calling they feel led to, just as I did concerning my Catholic faith.  If we all weren't unique and from different cultures, backgrounds, countries, etc., what a boring place this earth would be.

 

With that being said, I will just say this and end my post.  I love my family.  I love my husband and 3 babies more than I could ever, ever put into words.  I am raising my children to be openminded, respect themselves and others.  This includes learning to respect others beliefs, even if they happen to be different than the ones taught at home.  There is nothing my children could ever do that would make me love them any less or bring them into my life with open arms at any time.  I understand that many believe in "Tough Love".  Not my bag ~ sorry, y'all.  In my heart, I believe whole heartedly that you can be a respected parent and also try your best to maintain a close and personal relationship with my children.  Maybe it is a difference in my generation, maybe it is a difference in me ~ either way, I don't care.  That is what my heart tells me and others may laugh and say ... just wait .... you haven't seen anything, yet.  Say it .... doesn't mean I will agree or comment.  I am done with that.  Respecting others also means learning to respect others even when they choose not to give me that same respect.

 

To use a well known phrase, I didn't fall of the turnip truck yesterday.  Although to some I will always be a child, I am a soon to be 37 year old (Oct 29th) woman that believes in what I do, say, act on, and even (oh my goodness) illustrate my values to others, but I have feelings all at the same time.  Respect me or not, I am choosing to respect you because that is what I would want my children to do.

 

To say it plainly, if you love me, you love all of me.  You respect me and don't ask me to quiet myself because it bothers you.  You don't ask me to change because it may embarass or be an inconvience to you.  My beliefs come from where I have been, where I am going, and where I hope one day my children can or will be.  I love them unconditionally and that will never ever change.  

 

To all that read this, thank you for spending a little time to read my, well, call it what it really is, a vent.  I love each of you more than I could say and whether we are close now or at some time were, you are reading this because you made or continue to make an impact in my life.  Thank you.  Thank you for making my life better by knowing you. 

 

We are all equal in God's eyes ~ and that has been and will always continue to be good enough for me.  

Uh-Oh ..... I'm Back :)

.... And so it begins .... Back to School Time.  Wasn't it just yesterday that we were going to end of the year last day parties and Sierra was happy to wear pj bottoms in the morning?  Now it is almost time to get back in full swing ~ backpacks, school supplies, lunches, bus stops & the chaos that it all entails.  Threatening Riley within an inch of her life if she doesn't stand still so I can do something with her wild child head of hair ..... oh the the things to look forward to :).

I haven't blogged in forever.  I got in a slump and just not much to say.  Then got excited about vacation the first of August and it was here and then gone in the blink of an eye.  As we drove back home I was extremely sad, but I realized after getting home that it wasn't just because we were leaving Charleston and my family alone.  I realized that some of my sadness stemmed from living so far away from those we love.  It is hard to be so far away from everyone we love ~ California, Memphis, Charleston, Jonesboro.  Sometimes in my heart I pray for Chad to find a job close to family.  That prayer hasn't been answered yet, but I will just keep praying, I suppose.

 It has been a summer of bubbles and swimming and sprinklers and two day car rides to vacation and work and sleepovers and potty training and the list just goes on.  There have been ups and downs and tears and anger and I guess I just chunk it all up to Life.  People aren't always going to agree and I have decided that at 35 years it is time to quit crying and stand up for why those tears would be shed in the first place.  If someone loves you, they should respect you ,as they would someone else, and find a way to move on after gettting their point across.  The Golden Rule has stuck around this long for a reason.  I guess I am just tired of having my feelings hurt and excusing away the reason.  I need to stick up for Kelli Newberry Perkins, whether it is fun or not.

On a positive note, I am going to CanCun with the Kansas State Women's Basketball Team the week of Thanksgiving.  I am so stoked and going tomorrow to find a new bathing suit, since you can't typically find those in snow-ridden Kansas in November.  I am also going to buy it in a size too small to encourage myself to exercise just a bit.  Regardless, I am just thrilled to be traveling out of the country with good company which I think will help ensure a good time.  Chad's daddy is being nice enough to come out and stay with the kids for the week.  I will miss them and this will be my first holiday away from the twins and Sierra.  They don't realize ~ Sierra does.  She's a little upset now, but I think I can bribe her by the time we leave :).

Going to end this now ... things to do and it is almost time to get ready for the weekend.

Take care, y'all.  I miss and love each of you very much.  And remember, if you are ever around Kansas, you always have a welcoming place to stay.

Guess I Am Just Being A Girl ....... Or So I Have Been Told.

So, starting this off again by saying that I haven't blogged in forever.  Not that I haven't thought about it, because I have numerous times, but, just haven't sat down to actually put in words what is going on in my head.  Maybe because I am lazy ~ maybe because I am scared to type out what I really want to say.

Our weekend was good ~ Autism Meets Optimism Event on Saturday and then yesterday, Sierra and I took the little monsters to the zoo.  I told Riley she could stay with her family, the monkeys, but she wanted to go home with us.  Oh well, can't say I didn't try.

Going to make this short and sweet because I don't want to say more than I should.  Just want to say that at the end of the day, just like most other people, I have feelings and I am sorry if that offends or upsets anyone.  Maybe I should keep them inside and hold them tighter than I already do, because, that seems to work well for everyone, right?  Actually, I am at a point that I don't care what works well for everyone.  Call me selfish ~ I am concerned for what works well for me and the way that I respond to my family and others.  Judge Judy wrote a book entitled "Don't Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It's Raining".  Maybe instead of allowing myself to feel for situations, myself, my kids and others, I should adapt to that philosophy.  At one point in my life, I feel like that was where I was at.  After having babies and becoming a wife, that is not exactly what I wanted for my life or anyone in it.  However, sadly, if it works, then it works. 

Maybe I should end by just saying that I have feelings and am tired of them being trampled on.  If that doesn't work for you .... move on.  My leg is tired of getting tinkled on.    

And the Snow Blows On .....

I am typing this and looking out the window ~ it is snowing, the wind blowing and the streets in front of our home have a nice coat of slick ice covering them.  Oh, 'tis nothing but another winter in Kansas.  The snow is always pretty, at least at first, and then it turns into a dirty, muddy mess that makes you long for warmer weather, fresh watermelon, the smell of cut green grass, and sunscreen coated children headed to the pool.  We have a few more months until those things happen ~ I am reassured that winter doesn't last forever and soon we will experience biting into a fresh peach while the juice spills down our chin.  Until then I will keep my cell phone on the charger and try to get everything washed up, in case we happen to lose power like many other residents of Riley County.  I will keep my doors tightly closed to avoid the draft that 7 degrees (yes, you read that right) brings along with it.


Sierra is happy, because she and Connor are both going on snow day #2.  Not sure if there will be a snow day #3, but I have a feeling the answer might just possibly be yes.  Even LuLu doesn't want to head outside with her big basset hound body waddling behind her. 

I'll keep this short ~ I have so much I could write, but even I am not wanting to talk about the things bearing down on me, so I will probably end this and make it one of the shorter blog postings I have done.  I will say a prayer for our power to hold up and go on with the day.  We are about to play "train" in the hallway ~ 4 chairs lined up, holding expired Wildcat Basketball tickets, and about to head to an imaginary WalMart in Switzerland, of course.  Sierra is the conductor ~ how could you expect less?

Stay warm, y'all. 

How's That Working For Ya?

So, haven't blogged in a bit and decided it was time to put a few things down before I go nuts ... lol ... thoughts running through my mind are sometimes much better understood in print ~ even for me that thinks the thoughts.  It is Tuesday ~ Lord, help me make it to Friday.

I decided this morning that I am upset with a few things in my life, but at the moment, one of the biggest upsets comes to me in the form of being a friend ~ truly caring about the feelings of the person you are supposed to really want in your life.  Days run together, minutes fly by and the more hectic it gets, the more it seems I long for some sense of security and normalcy.  Chad says that I am not social enough, but then when days like today hit, I think maybe it is best for me that I am not.  I am so frustrated ~ hurt, upset, tired ~ whatever ~ just thinking that at some point maybe I need to live by the advice that I heard from Dr. Phil years ago ~ "You teach people how to treat you".  Oh yeah, I could quote the infamous "How's that working for ya?" but we all know that one.  I believe 100% that we do teach others how to treat us, so why do I settle for something that I wouldn't give to anyone else?  And here is where reality kicks me in the butt and I wonder if it is me or what ~ why do we always treat the ones we are supposed to care about worse than anyone else?  That saying is so true ~ so true but so hurtful at times.  I won't continue on this topic ~ I need to quit typing as the more I type the more upset I seem to get.  For this thought, it seems that looking at it in print makes me realize even more that it isn't ok to allow someone to treat me a certain way just because that is how they are.  I mean, really, we could all condition others to allow us to treat them like this or that on a certain day with our varying moods, BUT, that really isn't the nice thing to do, now is it?  Or is it?  Nope, it isn't ~ and in each of our hearts, if we aren't pulled a little when we are "acting ugly" to those we care about, we should be. 

Connor's autism is not a friend today ~ not a friend and I am ready for it to let go of my son, even if just for a little while.  We have good days, bad days, so so days ~ today is not a good day.  He is throwing fits and really only interacting very well with Riley ~ doesn't want to be touched, sitting back in a corner hoarding his cars, very unattached to anything besides these things that others just really can't understand.  Before someone busts out with the typical comment, let me answer for you now, no, I can't snap him out of it ~ autism doesn't work that way.  So, like I have learned on these bad days, I will do my best to care for him at a distance and tuck the tears away for another time, or at least when no one else is watching.  I read an article the other day about a mother who had an autistic child who never wanted to be touched ~ the touch that would comfort you or I set this child into a fit that would last for hours ~ sometimes the entire day or days.  Chad and I are very blessed ~ Connor typically likes and reciprocates touch very well, just not today.  I think that is why days like today suck ~ yep, I said suck ~ because when you want to hold him and help make it go away, you visibly see, and feel, the tugging and pulling away like crazy, that holding him just makes it worse.  This mother said that one day, 3 years ago, the son came up to his mom, visibly uncomfortable, looked in her eyes, leaned against her tightly and told her "I love you" before pulling away and running to his bedroom.  She says in the article that she had waited 5 years for that I love you, and would pray that another one comes before another five years pass.  Can you imagine?  I mean, really, think about that, can you imagine?  I read that and realize that really we are blessed ~ just today is not good and deal with and look forward to tomorrow or the next day or whenever. 

So, I think I will end this on this note ~ it keeps going through my head (just like everything else) and I thought I should share.  A friend I have met recently is no longer working and staying home to take care of her elderly mother who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  We were chatting the other day and somehow the entire "bootstrap" theory came up.  You know the saying ~ pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go on.  In other words, put on your big girl panties and deal with it.  She said to me ~ Honey, once you have children and a marriage and a life in the real world, those boot straps were cut a long time ago.  Me, who can talk someone under the table and back up again, was quiet and just thought and listened.  Each day I feel a little different about her comment, but the fact that I keep coming back to it, makes me realize that it somehow applies to both me and my life.  And again, it reminds me of my first paragraph about being a true person, true spirit ~ a selfless friend who has time for you and remembers that we all need that sometimes.  I said this before, but will say it again ... it is so harder to be still and listen than to talk.  Sometimes our talking hurts those who really need us to listen ~ and if you need that ear to listen ~ being pushed aside each time you reach out hurts more than anything.  Screw the bootstraps ~ I think maybe I need a weekend like the Blake Shelton song ~ It's All About Tonight.  A red Gatorade and feel good pills won't make things better forever, but maybe just long enough for me to figure out where to put those dreaded cut off bootstraps.

Take care, y'all ~ and if you read all the way to the bottom of my rambling ~ Thank you.

"Be Nice or Leave"

Last night and this morning I have had alot on my mind.  Besides the fact that Chado is gone for the week, I have been thinking about myself and how I handle criticism, rejection, and even positive praise.  A few weeks ago in our RCIA Class @ St. Thomas Moore we were asked to receive a compliment and do just that ~ receive the compliment and say only Thank You, instead of spouting out why we were just doing what we do, or where we got our shoes and how much we paid for them or whatever .... just the simple act of receiving something positive isn't always the easiest thing to do.  I am a talker ~ we all know this ~ so just saying thank you was difficult.  In my every day life ~ I think I should try this out, even if the comment isn't positive or praiseful ~ maybe learning to zip it a little more often would help out with some of my self worry and indecisiveness issues.  Maybe yes ~ Maybe no ~ not sure until I apply the concept and actually follow through.

I say all this because recently some things have occurred in my life that make me wonder ~ even as an adult, being rejected for whatever reason still hurts and stings like it used to for me as a child.  OK, maybe not quite as much, but the sting remains.  In our lives, it isn't possible for everyone to like us, to make everyone around us happy or even to be told the truth by everyone.  When some say something to you and then their actions show a different position ~ it hurts and maybe that doesn't change no matter how old we get.  All relationships, including friendships, are tricky and I think I have finally found the catch.  A true friendship may have a rough patch or two, but it doesn't get tricky.  You might disagree or even get angry or frustrated, but the friendship itself is never questioned.  I think even at this age I still long for those relationships, because so many around us seem to say one thing and do another.  This reality of human nature seems to force many of us to keep our guards up and the sad part about it, is that who really wants to live behind that wall?

Life moves on and so do relationships ~ some come, some go and then some real relationships stay.  I guess all I can do is to quit worrying about what others do or say, and start to think and pay more attention to how I can stay.  I've always heard that you can't do wrong and get by ~ that old saying has never been more true in my life than now.

A pizza place in Memphis (The Memphis Pizza Cafe) used to have a sign up that said "Be Nice or Leave".  I am thinking maybe I should find somewhere to post that here in our home.  Wonder if anyone would notice that the sign applied to not only children, but to adults as well?

Maybe I should learn to accept that some people go and that isn't always my fault ~ it might not be any one's fault, and really, why should it matter anyway?  We are who we are and if we try to leave each person a little happier than we found them, then that should be OK.  It should be more than OK ... it should be good and maybe, just maybe, I will learn to live by the words I just typed.

Take care, y'all. 

Oh Monday ~ You Strike Yet Again ......

So, it is Monday after a long holiday weekend and I have to admit that although I dreaded the day, it has gotten off to a pretty good start.  Sierra said on Sunday morning that our Christmas tree was useless here in the living room, since Christmas was over.  I feel like such an "adult" because I have to admit that I am a little glad that all the prep and chaos leading up to the big day is now settling down.  Chad flew out this morning from Kansas City headed to Baltimore and then to Boston for a Women's Basketball Tournament at Dartmouth.  Due to the weather I believe he might get to know the Baltimore Airport very well, since he will probably most definitely be delayed there for quite a while.  This will be his longest trip so far this year ... leaving on Monday and coming home on Sunday.  Celebrating New Year's will be sans Daddy for the monsters ~ by the end of the trip Connor might be speaking even more as he converses with Chad over the phone.

Speaking of Connor, his speech has improved leaps and bounds in the last few months.  Stonehouse and their program is doing wonders for him.  He loves going to "school" and his teachers and staff there are nothing short of amazing.  I am so glad that we were guided in the right direction to test for autism so early ~ at this rate they feel like he might be capable of mainstreaming into a regular kindergarten classroom, and what a blessing that would be.  It was only a few months back when we were begging and hoping that he would use 2 and 3 word phrase; now, at times, we are begging he would hush for just a bit.  He has absolutely no problem voicing his opinion and we are working to stop his favorite phrase of "Oh, My God" since he likes to use it very frequently.  "Oh, My Goodness" obviously doesn't have the same ring for Connor boy, as he continues to be blasphemous on a daily basis.  Can't win 'em all, I suppose.

So, the dishwasher is going, washing machine about to start and cleaning up behind kiddos makes this Monday just like most of the rest.  However, I realize that our family is so blessed to be surrounded by loving family and wonderful new friends that we have made here in Kansas.  As we approach the New Year I am pleased and so happy at where we have come.  Our Catholicism journey is in full swing with classes starting back after the holiday break, our children are healthy & life is overall good to each of us.  I can't lie and say that I am the most pleasant person all the time, but I try a little harder each day.  OK, I should be honest and admit that I try a little harder as often as I can.  Those who know me well understand that the whole cup half full philosophy just isn't my thing.  Don't know that it ever will be, but you have to admit that at least I am honest, even with my cup a little below the half empty line.

Much love to all of you ~ have a wonderful week, y'all!

Potty Training, Christmas Trees & Blood Clots ~ What You Talking About, Newberry?

So ~ I feel like a complete slacker, as I haven't sat down to "blog" in the last few weeks.  It isn't because I didn't have anything to say, because we all know that times where I don't have anything to say are non-existent or very few and far between ~ it has probably been more so because I let so much time pass that I had lots to say and no clue how to put it all down without typing out a novel and a half or so.  Much has happened over the past 3 weeks ~ Riley started using the potty, Connor has decided he likes talking so much that he was kind enough to tell a State Trooper in Craig County, Arkansas "Thank You" as I was being handed a 77 in a 55 speeding ticket, Sierra has turned into a teenager while I was watching and not wanting to look & basketball season is in full swing, which means that for the next 4-5 months my husband will trade being married to me to being married to the Kansas State Wildcats Women's Basketball Team & Staff.  And, before I forget, I am typing this with my left leg elevated, because I currently have a superficial blood clot in my left leg ~ thigh down to the ankle.  Superficial or not ~ it hurts way bad and I would prefer for it to just go away, but I don't think what I prefer or what I want applies in this situation.

As I was going through my morning today, I had a moment that helped me out with my blogging predicament.  Instead of typing out paragraph after paragraph, I decided I would make a list of things that had occurred to me over the time since my last posting.  Not sure that it won't be just as long or even longer, but figured it was worth a shot.  I  can't say that the following listings will all apply to my 3 weeks blog free, but, I can say that at some point lately these topics have crossed my mind.  No guarantees it will be worth reading, but if you know me well enough, well .... lol ... read further if you wish :-) 

• Buying makeup for Sierra bothers me in a real sort of way, even if it is just mascara and blush ~ guess it bothers me because she is growing up and I can't stop it.  However, buying it for her is better than getting ready in the morning and realizing I have to go find my makeup in her room.  I keep forgetting that as a parent, I no longer have anything that belongs to me and only me.  Wait ~ maybe the fabulous appliance known as the dishwasher ~ I think that I am still allowed to be solely responsible for that fascinating piece of modern technology that I load and unload at least once, but usually twice daily.

• Nancy Grace and Wayne Brady both annoy me in a serious way ... not exactly sure why.  Never the less ~ I can't stand listening or looking at either of them.

•  Living so far away from family doesn't get any easier and some days just seems to get worse.  I miss those I love so much, and, I hate that our lives are shared over the telephone and not more up close and personal.

• I love lying on the sofa and looking at our Christmas tree.  Every ornament reminds me of something and the memories that are usually stirred bring a smile.  However, if the ornaments are out of place or not staggered exactly the way I want, then out the door goes the smile until I can fix it the way I envision in my mind that it should be.  Even as I read that, that whole concept of a "perfect" tree bothers me.  How in the world can I expect the tree to be halfway orderly with toddler twins and a home daycare?  LOL .... don't know how in the world, but it still bothers me and I have mentally looked back at the tree just now and see 2 or 3 spots that I need to fix before I can be mentally prepared to enjoy the memories I love to remember.

•  I love that Riley working on being fully potty capable means buying less diapers.  On the flip side of that thought, I dread the day that both she and Connor are so big that I throw away the last pull ups/diapers we have and grab onto the reality that the phase of diapers and wipes in our lives is over.  Don't get me wrong, though .... I love the idea that the $25-30 a week spent on diapers can be spent on something else ... like dinner, for instance.  Not that I don't like to cook ~ just way too tired and entirely too lazy to want to cook dinner and do dishes every night of the week.  Even 5 nights a week ... or 4 seems like more than I want to do.  Call me what you want ~ Wendy's, Taco Bell, "Donald's" or takeout from McAllister's are winners to me after a long day when I just don't want to imagine sticking another dish in the above mentioned item that belongs solely to me.  (See listing #1) lol.

• Blood clots, whether superficial or not, hurt in a way I couldn't really explain.  They suck.  No nice way to put it.  Just thought I would get that out.

• On November 30th of this year, my Dad has been gone 21 years.  Yes, you read that right ~ 21 years.  Where does time go?  I miss him like it was yesterday, but my brain realizes it was further away than that.  I hate that he isn't here to see my children grow, but I know that somehow he does see in his own way.  I am thankful that many family members and new people God placed in our lives stepped up to help all of us threw such a terrible time.  To each of you, and you know who you are, thank you from the very bottom of my heart.

• I feel like a slacker that once again we probably aren't, ok, almost most definitely not, getting out Christmas cards this year.  I always have great hopes and dreams, but like most other things my ideas and actual follow throughs tend to slide through the cracks.  Maybe I should create some sort of mid- winter greeting card ~ after the chaos of Christmas but when the winter is dragging on and seems to never end.  Think of what a surprise it would be to get a greeting card in the middle of January ~ just a thought ~ maybe I should look into marketing this idea.  Or maybe not.  I will probably let that fall through the cracks as well.

• Marriage is tough ~ worth it, but really tough some days.  Seems like when finances are good, marriage is good.  However, when money isn't good you can be assured that there will be rocky times to follow for Chad and I.  I also have decided that those who say money isn't important probably don't have to worry about what bills to pay or what needs to be done for your family of five.  I know as well as anyone that money doesn't make the man ... yada yada yada.  I do know, however, that life seems to flow much smoother when the worry and concern of how you are going to make it is alleviated when financial worries are not a concern. 

• As I am typing this, it is a blazing 16 degrees, with a wind chill making it feel like a whopping 5 degrees outside.  All I want from Santa is a heated matress pad and a heated throw blanket.  And that's all I have to say about that.

Hope this post finds each of you doing well.  I miss everyone tons.  This time of year is so special, and sometimes so heart wrenching all at the same time.  Makes me remember what and who is important in our lives.  And, in my heart, I know I wouldn't be the same without each one of you who occassionally happens, or those who never happen, to read this silly little blog.  Thank you all for loving me enough to help guide me to the place I was supposed to be. 

Happy Holidays, y'all ~ hugs and kisses to each of you.

Autism ~ You Are Not Always So Good To Us .....

Hey everyone ... or hey no one ... not sure how many follow my silly little blog. 

I am in a crazy erratic terrible mood .... been a rough day ... but I just wanted to sit down and get something out.

For those that doubt that autism is a real and viable disorder, then maybe we should change lives for a few days and let you live in mine and watch your child go through situations that neither he nor you can control or fix or make better for him.  After dropping Sierra off for a school dance, Connor launched into his crying don't let her go fit in the car, as did Riley, except Connor's fit has lasted until just now ~ let's see ... that would be near 1 1/2 hours.  Riley stopped crying after watching her sister walk into the building, Connor ~ not so much.

I headed to Walgreens for Boudreaux Butt Paste .. lol ... still makes me laugh .... and a heating pad.  What else goes better together?  The tantrum had stopped for a few moments from leaving Sierra as we got from the car into the shopping cart.  Upon entering the automatic doors at Walgreens it started all over again, only this time much much worse.  As I hastily headed through the store I have a lightbulb parent moment .. the toy aisle ... let's get a toy ... that always works.  Maybe sometimes, but oh dear autism, not today.  I don't know if researchers are right ... is it sensory overload, is it flourescent lights?  What is it that makes my son go into a raving crying fit with hands over his ears and eyes closed and clinging onto the cart for dear life in what should be a perfectly normal situation?  What is it?  Please, someone tell me ... my sanity as well as my heart needs to know.  Even with a super cool fire truck and nifty little Mickey Christmas glass the fit continued and at that point I gave up.  I threw stuff in the cart, shot very ugly eyes at two gentlemen who couldn't keep their eyes off of our apparent freak show (seriously, I doubt these two less than desirable men could work hard enough to keep a pet rock alive, but who am I to say?), and headed for the checkout.  At the point of checkout, Connor is clinging to my skin for dear life ... I mean ... no kidding ... I am surprised his little nails didn't draw blood.   We run through the checkout, the clerk gives back the firetruck to the crying for his life child that has to remove his hands from his ears to brace the truck against himself and the cart.  You see, he wasn't even holding the truck ... just trying to hold it close and holding his hands over his ears as he had done upon our arrival at Glorious oh Glorious Walgreens.

We get in the car and the crying continues, this time with eyes covered ..... what do I do?  If your answer is to spank him or physically punish him, then please do me a favor, don't finish reading this post or any other post I ever choose to put on here.  The title, thanks to Stan, of Truality really applies here.  This is my life .. not sugar coated or paint by numbers.  I don't know why I feel the need to explain behavior exhibited by my son to verify for others that he truly does have autism.  I guess I hear so much that he is just being a kid .... these fits, ears covering, eyes covered, clinging to my skin for his life ... these fits, tantrums, whatever you choose to call them, are not just being a kid. 

As I have typed this post, I am thinking in my head about true support and I think that only comes when someone loves you and trusts you enough to let go and trust you as a parent.  To trust the developmental pediatricians and psychologists and speech therapists and occupational therapists who are good at doing their jobs and making a final decision on whether or not they diagnose a child with Autism or Asperger's or PDD or nothing.  I love Connor more than my life, as I do all my children, but this place in me is coming to a part where I am so emotionally drained with having to explain that it isn't bad behavior ~ it is a condition and we are working with others to do the best we can for our son.  Hear me when I type this ... our son .... we all want the best for our kids ... why would anyone try to blame something on what it isn't when it comes to times like this?  I am not playing an autism card ... that "card" was put in Connor's deck and as his mother I am doing my best to help him make the right move with what God chose to deal my little boy.

My son has autism ..... I know that, his father knows that, his sisters know that and most family members know as well.  If you don't know, then please love us & Connor enough to take the time to learn about it and begin to know it as well.  We call an apple an apple ~ it is time for us to call autism exactly what it is ... autism.

Much love everyone,

Kelli

Does Dr. Temple Grandin Think Pretty Is, Is Pretty Does?

So, I remember hearing the phrase "Pretty Is, Is Pretty Does" about 4 million times ~ even every now and then I hear it these days or find myself passing it onto my daughters.  My mother, my Grandma Rosie, and even Mom Walker all carried these words of wisdom and they have been passed down through generation to generation, and I suspect, will contine on down the line.  Here's my issue ... the last few weeks I haven't felt like acting very "pretty" and I am having a hard time wrestling in my heart and mind over those five little words.

Connor's midday busdriver has been less than pleasant since the first day she brought him home, and that is putting it mildly.  I won't type out all the issues because even I am tired of them running through my head, but, just trust me when I say she has not been the least bit nice to deal with.  We have had lost backpacks (which is pretty tramatic for a child with autism), open bus doors that he runs out of and I am lucky he runs to our fence and not the car coming in the opposite direction, and most recently, a slide down the stairs of the bus before I could grab him as his feet hit the cement.  I have called everyone I know to call, yet the behavior on her part continues and I hit this point where I just feel at a loss as what to do.  Chad says let it go .... my heart says no ... he is our son and whether he has autism or not, no 3 year old can advocate for themselves.  After speaking with the Special Education Director for our district today I felt better ... I told her I wanted to send letters voicing my concerns and carbon copy them to the Transportation Dept, the Special Education Dept, The District Autism Director, Stonehouse Learning Center (his prek program) and finally, the school board.  I just don't get it ... why is it ok for one person to continually exhibit bad behavior and poor judgement at her job, when if anyone else did the same thing, most certainly we would be explaining or fixing our faults if they had not already caused us to be terminated from our employment.  I told the director that my husband says to let it go, don't cause anymore problems for Connor .... she paused for a moment and said that I wasn't creating a problem, only trying to finally find a way to fix the problems that have continued since August.  I guess I say this because sometimes I just get tired of trying to be "pretty".  I hear what everyone tells me to do, but I think that my heart is beginning to realize that sometimes being pretty means listening to your head and heart all at once and deciding what is best for you to do.  Momma knows best ... sometimes and sometimes not.  But guess what ... it's all a learning process and I guess that trying to be pretty is always a work in progress.





On a different note, I am stoked about going to hear a presentation by Dr. Temple Grandin tomorrow evening at Kansas State.  Dr. Grandin is autistic and didn't speak until the age of 3, was told by her parents to be institutionalized, and by her mother refusing to listen and go with the norm, she raised a daughter that has taught the world so much about autism and livestock development that she is world renowned.  What a loss had they listened to what they were told .... I guess her mom wasn't being pretty when she decided to go against the advice of medical professionals and family and act in what her heart told her was best for her little girl.  As I type this, I think I realize that Pretty is, Is Pretty Does means so many different things in so many individual situations.

I think that I will continue to hang onto the phrase and keep it tucked away, as I surely will continue to tell my children that Pretty Is, Is Pretty Does in the future.  I guess it will be up to each of them to decide what that means, but for me, I think my meaning is a little deeper than I ever would have thought when I first heard those five little words.

Not much more to say for tonight ... could go on, but we all have our 2 cents and like my mother-in-law always says .... With that and a few dollars (these days of course) that might get you a cup of coffee.  Notice the word might .... a few dollars and 2 cents probably doesn't include a latte or mocha, but maybe sometimes a cup of strong black coffee is all that we really need.

Have a good week, y'all :) !  

You are my SunShine

Not much to say today, but heard this song this morning and haven't been able to get it out of my head. 

Have a great Tuesday, y'all!

Tricks, Treats & Real Life ~ What To Do????

So, the weekend of birthdays, costumes, & candy is over.  I have to say that Halloween this year was different ~ Sierra went on her own with a friend & the twins were both excited and actually said Trick or Treat without being prompted by Chad and I.  Riley has some sinus stuff going on, so, I think that people thought she was probably giving the gift that keeps on giving, as she coughed and sneezed at their door.  The coughing and sneezing was probably in their candy bowl which they promptly sprayed down with Lysol after we left.  Funny thing ~ after she got indoors in the warm air the coughing and sneezing stopped.  Good for her, but good for us, because I am just not ready for fall/winter colds yet.  I know they are coming ~ just want a few more weeks before we stock up on Benadryl, Sudafed, Robitussin, Motrin & various other goodies for our medicine basket.

I have so much I want to put into this blog, but I think I will keep some of my opinions to myself, because you know what people say about opinions.  In another part of my mind, I keep thinking if I can't share on my own blog then why have it in the first place.

I find it amazing that people who don't live in your shoes are quick to judge your life and the way that you handle it.  I mean, really, we all do the best we can in our situations and last time I checked, negative criticism is not something anyone wants to hear.  As much as I would like to say that my life is a bowl of cherries, it isn't.  Chad and I are parents to three children ~ a 14 year old and 3 year old twins, including one with autism.  Sometimes times are tough, but it doesn't mean that we don't love each other or our families or even our lives.  They say God never gives us more than we can handle, and I believe that, but sometimes hanging on for the ride he sets before us gets difficult.  Our love keeps our family together and that is good for me.  We find time for each other somehow in all the craziness ~ and sometimes joking and kidding is all that helps us get through.  It might not work for everyone, but it works for us, and that is ok with me.  Over the last five years we have worked out a way to make our lives together all we wanted ~ kids might change that, but in all honesty, they really only make it better.

Connor's therapy at school is going well.  At times we are still dealing with fits and frusturation from him, but mainly because his language is not up to where it should be and he doesn't know how to express to us what he wants.  In the grocery store the other night, it was only Connor and I, and a woman asked me what was wrong with him.  Although my first reaction was to be defensive and spout something rude, I held onto my tongue and politely explained that he was autistic.  As I walked away from her and pushed my shopping cart with Connor "driving" the car at the bottom, my heart hit a snag and I had to really fight to keep the tears back.  I know that he is going to face adversity and difficulties, but as a parent, I realize that as he gets older I can't shelter him forever.  When others say that I will have to learn to deal with that, it makes my heart break a little bit more, because they just don't understand the fight we are and will continue to be in the midst of.  I love my children more than I could ever express ~ and just the thought of him facing that sort of rude questioning pulls at me, even as I am typing this.  Yes, you pull yourself up by your boot straps, but that doesn't mean that in all that pulling there isn't pain in getting the straps all the way up.

As the twins were trick or treating, Chad and I giggled as Connor walked away from Riley and she fussed and told him to come hold her hand.  I told Chat that maybe that will be a positive in the future ~ usually the brother defends and takes care of his sister, but this time, maybe Riley will do for Connor what we can't always be there to do.  Life is funny, but I love mine, and I don't think I would change a single thing.  Adversity makes us stronger and if I hadn't gone through many of the situations I have faced, I just don't think I could look at life with my eyes wide open.  Our time on this earth is too short to view things with racism or ignorance or non acceptance ~ being loving and embracing all that we can learn about is all I ever want to do and hopefully, by example from Chad and myself, we can teach our children to do the same.

Have a great week, y'all ~ Remember to hug your babies ~ they seem to grow up way too fast and one day they will be way too old to trick or treat with Mom & Dad and you wonder as they walk out the door where in the world all the time has gone.

 

35 ... Not Sure If I Am Ready or Not ... Can I Be 29 and Holding?

So, as a little girl I always thought that you would feel different the older you got.  I can't speak for others, only myself, but, I don't feel much different.  I feel like Kelli, only slightly more stressed, a little more weight, much different priorities, major issues with vascular congestion in my legs from having babies, but, still me underneath it all.  I guess I am still waiting on that feeling different part ~ only different I feel is that I am turning more and more into my mother and other relatives I promised I would never be.

Sierra is 14 years old and wants to go out on Halloween with a few of her girlfriends to go Trick or Treating.  Actually, I am surprised they still want to do that at this point, but, I am trying to very slowly let a little slack on the apron strings.  I remember when she was less than 5 days old and I cried thinking that one day she would grow up and leave me.  I mean, really, I had some issues. lol.  However, somehow those feeling from 14 years ago are popping back and I am so scared about her growing up and one day flying the coop to begin her life on her own.  I want so much for her and feeling like I only have a few more years to instill in her all I want her to know.  Then I sit back and remember that life is a process and we all have to learn.  The best gift I can give any of my children is to try and keep communication open and try to help them without letting them know.  I know there is a fine line of being a parent or being a friend .... somehow as she grows older I want to find that line, where I can be both.  Some say it is impossible ~ and maybe for them it is ~ but, I don't have to fall into that because others say what is and isn't.  This is my family and I am slowly learning to stand up for what I want for my children and my family.  Problem is that I have yet figured out how to stand up for me ~ ~ that is still a work in the progress and I guess that inner little girl never goes away when it comes to standing up for me.

So, tonight I will go to dinner with my very sweet husband and we will enjoy dinner and probably spend most of the time talking about our twins and Sierra and jobs and what real life becomes when you grow up.  But somehow, in the back of my mind, I hold onto those birthday parties in Evans when I dressed as a bunny from the year before's dance recital and blew out candles on a cake decorated with pumpkins and ghosts.  I hang onto my daddy showing me my birthday present before it was wrapped and telling me if I told my mom I was beyond in trouble.  But, she always found out and that trouble never occurred.  I remember my parents thinking that if they weren't drinkers, they should probably have started, when they agreed to take 10 or 12 preteen girls on a Halloween Ghost Walk in Downtown Charleston that was then followed by a slumber party.  All the giggles ~ all the presents and now all the years and I am 35.  Last night I cried because sometimes it hurts so much to celebrate without my Dad ~ I cried because I couldn't remember how his hands looked.  Silly, huh?  Then Chad came in and reminded me that it didn't matter how his hands looked ~ what mattered is that I have memories of those arms and hands holding onto me and that is way more important than what his hands actually looked like.  I miss him ~ the years that pass just don't make that go away.

Without sounding too nostaligic, I am blessed to have reached 35 years.  I am blessed to have a wonderful family who loves me, very caring and special in-laws that truly want the best for all of our family and have always included my daughter and myself like one of their own, a wonderful Newberry family in Memphis & Joneseboro that mean more to me than I could ever begin to express in words, and finally, a mom, stepfather and brother that help me remember what it means to be family.  Some years weren't easy, but without the struggle, how can we appreciate the love that always comes back around?  And I wonder how much my Dad had a part of that .... he might not be here physically, but in my heart, I realize if I look and reach hard enough, those hands I have a hard time remembering are still all around me and probably sometimes hold me when I don't even know.

Thanks so much for all the birthday wishes ~ they mean more than I could ever express.  All of you are so special to me ~ each and everyone of you have touched my life in one way or another and I am better because of it.  So, do I feel 35?  Yes, I do.  But do I feel different?  Nope, still the same Kelli ~ hopefully.

Have a good weekend, y'all!  Love and miss each and every one of  you :)